Defiant Conformity - Randomized Hilarity

Brents Blog Moved

2009-06-19T06:30:00.000-07:00

FINALLY!

I have long searched for a blog name that reflects my true aura and personality.
At last the quest for self promoting importance has come to a close.

Ladies, and the three guys who read my blog, I give you my new blog!
http://brentalfloss.blogspot.com/

BrentalFloss is easier to remember than the spelling of my last name, and it has all of my past blog posts on it! The only thing it needs... YOU! Please update links from your blog or favorites, click on my new RSS feed link on the new blog, and DONT FORGET TO LEAVE COMMENTS!

The runners up were
BrentalLobotomy and BrentalAssault

Obama pisses off gays

2009-06-18T07:29:00.000-07:00

This week President Obama laid out his plans to give some benefits to gay couples.
(joke with-held)

Obama's promise to offer ancillary employee benefits - such as long-term-care insurance and the right to use sick leave to care for domestic partners - while still denying more valuable benefits, such as health insurance and retirement funds, may have further agitated gay activists who were already fuming over other perceived snubs.

In retaliation the gays have mis-matched President Obama's wardrobe and unrolled all of his shirt sleeves. Activist have been quoted as saying "Take that ya big meanie." and "We're gay, fabulos and pissed off mister!"

Further more gays have rallied around the white-house and demand President Obama defer to a fashion runway walk-off to decide the terms of gay healthcare, a traditional gay method of settling issues.
Gay leaders have issued a statement saying they "plan to stage a withholding of interior decorating and gym memberships to members of the White House and Senate and see how they like having their benefits from gay people cut off!"

Colon Cleanse - funny crap

2009-06-16T01:24:00.000-07:00

Cleanse your colon and loose 5lbs a day!!! Up to 50lbs in the first week!
Right. If you have explosive diarrhea for a week straight you will loose about 5lbs a day in water and malnutrition. Sounds about right.
Marketing Claim: Substantiated.

Detox your body and feel better instantly!
Um, no, no one could possibly feel better post colon cleansing. I once tried to get over a barbed wire fence and fell...The recovery time on something like that is like 3 weeks.

Even with perpetual diarrhea I dont see how you can possibly cleanse and keep a cleansed colon... I mean you do know WHAT it is your colon does right???
Marketing Claim: Flase!

Why are people so gulible and quick to jump at these rediculous schemes. My colon is just fine thank you, I could eat a moose and pass it just fine.

Im going to market my own unique brand of colon cleansing, only mine will work the first time, ever time, instantly, no eating 1 lbs of hay or downing a gallon of Ex-Lax.

(Copyright: Dumb and Dumber, NewLine Cinema1994)

Give the Colon Blaster a chance and you will see results in 5 seconds or less or your money back!

The Original Colon Cleanse!

AND NOW SUPER MEGA COLON CLEANSE BLASTER 5005!
With even more colon blasting power!

"Special" Events: Cheerleaders sign crap...

2009-06-08T07:38:00.000-07:00

Im cynical, but working on it. (not really... )

Im confused by "special events" like the Indianapolis Colt cheerleaders autograph signing party!

Im pretty sure its the cheerleaders doing the autographs because people would only show up to throw things at the Colts players.
Now I would imagine the only "people" (pervy GUYS) who show up to a cheerleader autograph party are blushing teenage boys, blushing frat boys, blushing men in mid-life crisis who wouldnt show up to get the autograph of the woman who found the cure for cancer, now would they? The teenage boys I will give a pass to, the rest are there to ogle cheerleaders and cannot be excused. Thus proving 90% of men are simply teenage boys who never grew up, just got beer bellies.

"Ummm so do you girls ummm ever like umm date fans?"

"No."

"Umm what about like the president of your fan club? If they knew all your favorite things, like your favorite take out places and brand of hair spray and what day you put your trash out n'stuff?"

So my real issue here is fake "celebrities" ... You know the people who feel they are so cool and superior that regular people must worship them. There are two kinds of fake celebrity.

1: The kind who have autograph parties and then their signed crap ends up on Ebay for $4 and the shipping costs WAY more than the signed item is worth. The item was probably worth $10 before someone wrote on it with Sharpie so it can end up on a desk and people can ask "Who's that?"

"Who is THAT?! Thats Jenny Nordgren... 2nd string cheerleader for the Fort Wayne Explosion??? You know Indiana's only Semi-Pro Badminton team?! I waited in line for 2 days to get this $1 plastic mug signed."

2: The kind who refuse to sign autographs because they are far too cool and they only sign if they are getting paid. Jamie Presley (Earl's wife on My Name is Earl) is this kind of "celebrity". So is Karl Malone. I've got news for Jamie, now that Earl only has one season left... We have aprox 3 years before people are saying:

(You can take the girl out the trailer park... but you caint take the trailer park outta her)

"Do you remember that super white trash girl from that show Earl? Sure you do, the blonde. She got out of a limo with no pants on in LA this weekend. Yeah, she drove the limo drunk and hit some paparazzi who were trying to get a picture of Paris Hilton buying bananas at a fresh market, but she claims she was drinking water because shes out of rehab and doesnt party, she just hangs out in clubs because they are a fun environment for people who are sober. Then rode a horse in a club, fell off the horse and shot at a rival gang-member then went to an all night salon and shaved her head. Man I wish I could remember her name!"
"Why?"
"She owes me money."

Ok technically three kinds... Because Cheerleaders get their own category.
Maybe 4 because red-neck celebs shouldn't be counted either, they are merely brief interuptions. Farts that you can't help but notice and are strangely impressed by for a moment, they just havent faded yet.

XOXO
"These chicks are TOTALLY signing my diaper!"

Cottage Cheese goes bad... very, very bad...

2009-06-04T06:30:00.000-07:00

Im about to go OLDSCHOOL BRENT'S BLOG rant on yall. From back in the day when it was called "Brent's Blog" and you'd say "Hey did you read Brent's Blog?" or "I just won the super bowl, I'm going to read Brent's Blog about how stupid football is!"

And Here we go:
You know that expiration date on cottage cheese? They aren't kidding! Thats not a recommendation, its for reals.

12:30 am this morning: Brent goes to the kitchen in search of something to satisfy his growling tummy (yes I said tummy). After exhausting the cupboards and counters he turns to his old friend, the fridge. The old friend fails him. (Just like how all of my real old friends have failed me by their disassociation and lack of effort to keep up a relationship but thats another blog, isn't it you jerks who probably arent even reading this.)

But wait... there in the back, what's this? Cottage Cheese! (I tried that in a white font, it didn't work) Yes cottage cheese, that sounds good! Oh and its unopened. Without further consideration I eat a good sized portion and returns it to the fridge. Sleep ensues.

4am... Not feeling so good, but no need to go to the bathroom.
6am... a little worse but still no trip to the bathroom.
7:45am as I parked my car and prepared to make the mile trek into the office (Free Parking does not = a bunch of money in real life) it dawns on me. There is no way Im making it to the office without stopping in the bushes by the Law Offices of Barret and McNanaganahmm... And I dont think they would find the humor in the situation if I had too. Better not park, hit that road and hurry!

Ya know the term "I ran into the gas station" ???
Don't actually RUN into a gas station unless you WANT them to think you are going to rob them. I think he thought I had a gun because he almost hit the deck, but no time to say sorry! I don know what he said after I came out of the bathroom but he was pointing and laughing and shaking his head as if to say "Man you got me good!" or maybe "We have a clearance special on organic yogurt. Must be sold within the hour."

XOXO
Would go home early but Im not sentencing myself to an hour drive in a car

Britians Got Talent... Im serious.

2009-06-01T06:10:00.000-07:00

You can see really ugly people just about anywhere. Walmart... County Fairs... Gas Stations... Walmart... Flea-Markets... The court building... Nothing special, you see them everyday. Now give an already ugly woman a ZZ-Top beard and she's a novelty. Now you can charge admission my friend!

We as a modern society seem to think that only good looking people can have talents. Only good looking people can act, sing, play sports etc... This is the only explanation for the reaction to Britain's Got Talent's Susan Boyle.

BTW she looks like:
Nathan Lane in The Birdcage.

I speak the hard words of truth. If she were not unattractive (British) she would be just some Opera singing lady and probably wouldn't have made it through the first round. Even if she had won the whole thing, we in the U.S. of A. would have NEVER heard of her.

Who won last years Britain's Got Talent? Or the year before...? Did you even know there was such a show? Be honest, you had no clue.

But no, an unattractive women stepped infront of a camera and we all judged her and said "Oh this will be horrible." and we were so shocked when she could sing that we suddenly all went down to the fair grounds of YouTube to pay 2 bits a gander.
Why? Why can't ungly people sing? We have plenty of beautiful people you CAN'T sing! Ever heard of a girl named Britney Spears? Hmm?

Ugly people can do anything beautiful people can, and probably better. Look at Celion Dion. (I wouldn't actually make you look at a picture of her, its just a saying for theoretical example purposes).

Now the realy question is... Why did the winners wear Janet Jackson Rhythym Nation costumes??? That is so 1990.

XOXO
Average looking person with no talents
(unless you count sarcasm as a talent)

The grass is not greener

2009-05-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

Be careful what you wish for, you might have to mow it!

For some reason the goal of the standard american male home owner is a thick plush green lawn... This is what we were all raised to believe. So I've spent the last two summers getting my lawn properly fertilized and fed until it now has a thick green pasture... WHICH I HAVE TO MOW! Which would be ok if I were retired and had the time to mow it twice a week like it demands... But I dont see that happening anytime soon. So where I use to be able to skip a week of mowing, I now end up creating a wild-life refuge. My first clue was a few nights ago when I brought the girls home from Natalies and there were not one but two rabbits. Which is strange because due to the neighbors giant black panther Boo-Boo, we have never even seen a squirrel in our yard. It now takes no less than 60 hours to mow my lawn.

Now let me tell you something about dandelions. Dandelions want you to mow. They want you to spread their seeds evenly over your entire lawn so they can grow their ranks. AND they also want you to NOT mow so they can evenly spread their seeds over your lawn. Screwed!
Solution? Mow like every 3 days? The good thing here is that my neighbor (Old Bill) has the worlds most perfect lawn and is so affraid of dandelions he mows 8 feet into my yard to create a buffer :) This also just happens to be the thickest part of my yard. The grass is so thick here my lawn mower chokes, and my 5 horse power modified Murray special high-emisions edition lawn mower doesn't choke! It's so thick family of panda's uses it as a vacation home inbetween mowing.

I love lawn mowers. Since I was a kid taking apart and rebuilding my Dad's Snapper mower, I've been seeing if I can get a mower to actually hover around the yard. What it has pitched blades!
There is just something about firing up that old trusty mower and awaking the beast. The roar and engine mounted to tiny plastic wheels, a hand and foot severing blade moving 500 miles per hour a foot from your toes. The smell of gas fuems being vibrated out of its tank mixed with the pure gas and oil burning exhaust from a tiny muffler mixed with the smell of fresh cut grass.

I've thought about getting a low emisions lawn mower but... ummmmm. no. thats too wussy. I would miss having my hands and arms hurt from the violet vibrations of the raw, barely contained, power of my stick and toy eating lawn mower!
I use to pick up the sticks but there is just something about the sound of my mulching mower tearing apart wood into saw dust that is satisfying in a way only a man can grasp. Plus its helping mother nature renew...

XOXO
I'll be in the back yard

Air Freshener and butt-wipes

2009-05-12T05:23:00.001-07:00

I had a dog named Rusty. Rusty liked to roll on a couple of things, things that were dead and things in the garden. I dont know why a dog would do this, as they are suppose to have a highly sensitive sense of smell... and yet we are the ones who object. Anyway after a good roll on a dead fish or bird he would come home and plop himself down in the garden and take a nap or roll around in flowers. The result? The same smell you get when your uncle Herb has been in the bathroom at Thanksgiving and then Grandma goes in there with her "air freshener". DEATH SMELL MEETS FLOWERS?
First off air-freshener isn't even like a "freshener" its like someone took some horrible kind of sickly sweet flower and shoved it up your nose. Or like someone shoved my head into a box of lemons and then jumped up and down on my head. I have yet to smell one of these scents and been like "Wow that smells good! Its like a gentle (fill in the blank... bouquet, meadow, breeze, apple pie? new carpet?)!
Now put one of these in a machine that will spray it every 10 minutes in my bathroom at work with its 100 year old plumbing leaking sewer gas from all over Fort Wayne and that's a good thing?
"This smells like... someone crapped in a cantaloupe!"

Now this transitions right into women having candle parties and other gatherings where someone is going to convince my wife to buy lumps of horrible smelling wax to be melted in a little bowl. Wait let me redefine: get my wife to buy little lumps of horrible smelling wax at like $10 a lump, in a little bowl (value $0.50) with a tiny stand and light bulb under it (value $1.00) for an additional cost of $20. All so the suspect... I mean party hostess, can get 50% off her orders of horrible smelling wax so that her husband will be less inclined to take her off of their bank accounts. These expensive little lumps of wax are called a "Scentsy". If your wife ever gets an invite to a "Scentsy Party" shred the invite, then burn it and bury the ashes... Better yet, put the ashes in a little bowl with a little stand and tiny light under it (you can get one at the dollar store) and tell her its camp-fire scented potpourri.

This brings me to butt wipes. You might know these as Baby Wipes or Diaper Wipes. Women (My wife and sister-inlaw for example) buy these things based on it smelling like some kind of horrible walmart brand candle. Things like Cucumber-Tea... Yeah add the smell of cucumber to crap, that will make my child's poop changing enjoyable.

XOXO
Fathers against smelly

How lovely to be a man...

2009-05-05T14:01:00.000-07:00

There is this song on some TV commerical, something about "How lovely to be a woman, I loving being a girl... How lovely to be a woman and wear mascara, and lipstick and bake pies for your husband...."

I was just wondering what kind of song that would be if it were about a man.
So here's 2 verses, kind of like a pro & con thing... Imagine the guitar.

How freakin great it is being a man!
To drive a big giant 4x4
With big chrome wheels and a grill
To never worry about your appearance
And think you're god gift to girls.
To wake up at the crack of noon and decide which stained T-shirt to wear
and if you havent done spring laundry, you don't have to wear underwear
You can live on burgers, Top-Ramen and hotdogs
And not worry if your arteries clog.
You get to play in mud and grease and not care if it gets on stuff
and if you are feeling hungry, you can kill something for your lunch
Yes its freakin awesome being a man

Until one day you get married to one of those girly girls
One with lots of cooties, makeup and hair in curls.
Now you cant burp outloud or pass gas in the living room
You trade in your torque wrench for a matching pink mop and broom
You must clean your clothes up off the floor
When you are going number 2, you have to shut the bathroom door
Words like chick and babe are traded in for honey, sweety and dear
And instead of being tough, now you just live in fear.
Yes its freakin awesome being a man.

But seriously, how awesome is it having someone to make the house homey and pretty and cares if there is a smell coming from somewhere. Someone who wants the garbage to go out like more than once a week. And it is kinda nice that there is someone to tell me when the smell is me. It is very nice to have something so pretty to look at all the time!
It's cool having someone who thinks to buy things like plastic wrap and toilet paper. I would probably think about it everytime I was on the toilet until after I ran out of shop-towels and McDonalds napkins from my car. Actually Id be more likely to hit McDonalds to refill my supply before remembering to buy TP. Shoot that sounds like an awesome free solution to buying toilet paper.... Yes its great to have a woman to stop me from these kinds of ideas!

Happy Anniversary Babe!
Thank you for 8 Years of protection me from myself

Love you!
XOXO
Your Foolio

Exercise Kills

2009-05-05T05:36:00.000-07:00

I now know why the camera phone was invested and I may finally be convinced that I need one.
Yesterday I was driving up Lima Road (that's a big busy main highway in north Fort Wayne, IN) and I saw something strange... Someone jogging. Now this is strange one because people don't normally like jog down a highway... That would be like taking a jog next to i-69 or i-15.... but this was mostly strange because it was a woman who I can only assume was in her mid to late 50's, pushing 500lbs and wearing black spandex. I was looking for the smoke monster behind her but she seemed to be the only one who could see it. That's the only explanation for this behavior called exercise. My wise friend Kendra said the best thing I've heard in a long time: "The only reason to run is from danger. So the only reason to practice running is so you can run from danger, and when it actually happens you wont be able to run, so why start in the first place?"
It will someday be proven that exercise kills.

(Spandex Its not for everyone)
I would go as far as to say that spandex is not for ANYONE, in any situation, in any time period. I dont care if you have the most perfect body to ever walk the earth, spandex does not look good on ANYONE. Never has, never will. Stop wearing it! It's like Looney Tunes sweat-shirts on middle aged and over the hill women. For some reason society thought "Hey we can make money of a certain "class" of people (the people with NO class) and as a result the rest of us are being punished and have been since the 80's!

All Spandex should be shipped to Russia with the rest of the 80's.

Any time I think about exercising I will think about this lady jogging down one of Fort Waynes most trafficed and public streets, and then I will think "Man, she looked exhausted." and then I will think "I wonder if Lost is new tonight." and then I will think "These brownies are really good! I think I'll take a nap."

Let me leave you with THIS (the world is messed up)

XOXO
Exercise is hard

igpa ufla ouya diotias.....

2009-04-30T07:30:00.000-07:00

Swine flu.... Wow... What a bunch of hog wash.
Anyone remember when they said the bird flu was going to kill millions? And then it didn't.
Don't discount me yet. I know people love to think the media would never lie about or spin anything so anyone who said something contrary couldn't be right at all.
There is a lot of hype about the swine flu and I think people are going a little crazy... For example, they are closing school on suspected cases of the swine flu....

Virus's don't kill, their goal is to thrive, multiply and mutate, then spread to new hosts so their kind can survive by repeating the cycle.

So why are people dying? The swine flu, like any flu simply weakens the immune system and leaves it open for bacterial attack as it moves on. After having the flu you are most likely to contract strep or staff which is then likely to kill you. Where is the most likely place to contract strep or staff???? YOUR DR. OFFICE, ER, or HOSPITAL!
It's all good, we've been through this before. The last time the swine flu caused panic was in the 70's and the human immune system proved to be much better than the expected millions dead. In fact President Ford spent millions and millions creating and stock piling vacines which were too late, ineffective, and were attributed with causing more health problems than recorded cases of the swine flu itself.

The flu season
Ever notice how the flu seems to always happen during cold wet and snowy nasty months? There is a reason. People stay inside with each other, no one is out in the sun getting Vitamin D and fresh air. Litterally FRESH AIR. End of fall millions of people take to cramming into malls and Wal-marts across the country passing around whatever virus's they can find, trading them like Capt. Kirk trading cards at a Treky-Convention.

Remember war of the worlds? The aliens die because humanity has an amazing immune system. So old people, children, and pig farmers are the most at risk. Once they have the virus, their immune systems are the most weakend and they have the least antibodies toward other infection that are known for killing.

The warm sun is a few weeks away and mark my words, this Pig-Flu will become just another scare.

Now Im not much for conspiracy theories but....... Isn't it interesting how you can create panic?
"There WILL be an international crysis within the first 6 months of Barack taking office."

XOXO

Earth Day

2009-04-23T11:18:00.000-07:00

Earth day... smurf day...
Actually Smurf day sounds AWESOME!
Everyone can talk about how blue they are.
"Dude my car is so freakin 'blue' you wouldn't believe or know what to do with it fool!"

well actually it was yesterday but I was busy burning down trees with a mixture of styrofoam and gasoline so I could roast baby seals for dinner on paper plates I have no intention of recycling.... What, isn't that how YOU celebrate earth day?
Yeay! Hug a tree (you dirty hippy)!

Wanna laugh? Im on our company's Environmental Committee. Awesome huh.
Now Im not against the environment, but people go sooo far with this crap until they are no longer rational adults who can see how crazy they are. I love the queen (of england, not Latifa!) she had the word green banned from the UK dictionary with the exception of its use as an actual color!
If you dont want to here my take on recycling skip to the House Hunters story, its good!

I dont believe in recycling paper: Paper helps feed bacteria in landfills which aids in breaking down other materials. A show I watched on TLC talked about how in the last 10 years landfills have noticed things are taking much longer to break down than before and water treatment has seen an increase in food materials in water.
Solution? Throw left over food and paper away! Feed the landfills! Think about it, if you recycle all the paper and stick all the food in your disposal then the only things going to landfills are the non-recyclables? How well do those break down again? What? They dont? Hmm how about that.

Earth day is just another political commercial gimmick. "Oooh look at me, Im GREEN buy me." As if that MEANS anything.
"Buy our new manure burning furnace for your house, its "GREEN!"
Oh and recycling takes massive amounts of energy, besides the trucks to transport to recycling facilities, recycling paper takes acid compounds, water, heat and bacteria levels much higher than creating new paper. Not to mention there is more forestation in North America today than there has ever been to man's knowledge.
That and I just really love to kill trees. What with their mocking superiority, standing over us all the time with their leafy branches and supporting wild-life. I hate them so much!

Let's further look at how any extreme on either side of the fence sounds ridiculous.

House Hunters - Earth Day Edition!
Last night we were watching an "Earth Day" episode of House Hunters with a couple we were looking for the "Greenest" house possible. They refused to look at anything that had polyurethane sealed flooring because "they give off toxic fumes..."
YOU give off toxic fumes! Freakin hippies. This guys wife said a kitchen was charming and he said "How can you find any charm in here! There's Formica counter-top, that would have to be ripped out and replaced with something green."
This guy sure wants a lot of things in his house to be the color green. I dont think they have made a green counter-top since the 70's....

Let me see if I have this.... These people want a house to be environmentally friendly (i refuse to say green anymore) so buy a house, rip out all the unfriendly stuff and... what put it in a land fill? Seems to me the "responsible" thing to do would be never remodel your house so that stuff doesn't end up in a landfill where it's toxic fumes can kill bunny rabbits?

I have an idea, lets send special invites to all of these people telling them we are unveiling a car that runs on banana peels, coffee grounds and left over Sobe, and we're going to unveil it in the dessert because its so top secret and they will all get one for free. Then we get a giant magnifying glass... say big enough to cause 2 million people to burst into flames.

XOXO
God save the Queen

I hate Tyra

2009-04-21T09:19:00.000-07:00

Shocker... I know... We're adding to the list of people I hate.
(Paris Hilton, Kirsten Dunsts, Lindsay Lohan, Beyonce etc...)

TYRA BANKS!

Which kinda sucks because I kinda like Top Model! Although this is mostly because Tyra is only on the last like 10 minutes of the show.
Last week Im watching Top Model and Tyra actually says to a girl in the bottom 2 that she's fat! Well ok, what she said was that the model had "put on a lot of weight in the last couple weeks"
Ummmm ok I get that you live in a perfect little world where all the women weight less than 90lbs ... aren't you a day time talk show hostess? (Hey a twinkie sounds really good! Or a squiggle cake!) Shouldn't you be all about promoting positive body image, instead of getting on your show millions of women and girl are watching and call the only girl who is even close to what a real woman looks like and then call her fat?

Click for full sized image.
Image Copyright 2009 The CW Television Network

I never know what high people are talking about, that girl was beautiful A FREAK, but beautiful and they actually doged her because she was too fat to be a model and too skinny to be a plus sized model, therefor she has no career....

Im not even a woman and Im mad at Tyra on every woman's behalf!

Plus Tyra is VERY annoying. AND NOT THAT PRETTY! She just doesn't do it. Even in highschool when my friends were drooling over Victoria Secret catalogs with made up names so we could claim we didn't know why they were showing up at our houses... I was like Tyra? "Eh"!

She looks like one of the Olsen twins got trapped in a tanning bed!

She sits behind the desk and sounds like a highschool head cheerleader running tryouts, then she gets on the run way and she goes from loud and proud to this fake quiet emotional person giving "advice".

I will say this though, the older Tyra gets the closer she gets to actually being attractive herself.
But shes an idiot. Thats not hot.

XOXO
I still want a squiggle cake

Adam... American Idol???

2009-04-14T21:53:00.000-07:00

I hate Adam.
Seriously, he's so fake it makes me sick.

Everyone falls into this "He's an amazing singer! He's genius!"

FALSE! He CAN sing... thats where it ends. He's like the white trash who win's the lottery and has all this money but doesn't know what to do with it, so they buy a million dollar house and have a Jeff Gordon shaped race car pool put in the back yard. Just because they have the gift of millions doesn't mean they know what to do with it, or do good things with it. JUST LIKE ADAM!

And people who are hard-core edgy, dont wear sparkly jackets with their edgy hair. However guys who make out with other guys, do! He looks like a drag-queen version of Kelly Osbourne.

"Yippie! Im totally on American Idol! Im like so hard core everyone, you dont even know! OMG! Im like Hardcore-a-licious!"

The Notebook

2009-04-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

I ~~don't care for... don't like~~ hate the NoteBook....

Wait is there a stronger word I can use? The NoteBook made me want to kill myself about 5minutes in. I was looking for objects (sharp or dull) to drive into my throat or slit my wrists with just so it would end. If you have never seen this movie... DONT... even if your life depends on it, it is better for you to die.
Let me give you the run down. It's pretty much every chick flick ever made rolled into one. I think at one point the main character even holds a boom-box up outside her bedroom window, which is amazing since its the 1930's or 40's or something.

So the movie is these two old people in a home... and the old guy is reading the old lady this story about a young man of low ilk and a girl of privilege who fall in love and the parents are against it, blah blah blah all these years later here they are, only she has old-timers (yes I know its spelled Alzheimer's) and doesnt remember any of this, then she has a moment of clarity and remembers and they are so happy and in love they lay down for a nap and they both die at the exact same moment......

This movie is HORRIBLE. I have never seen something so campy, clique, unoriginal, uninspired, hokey, etc... etc... (although it did inspire this blog post... hrrmmmmmmm...)

Ask 100 girls if they liked it and 95% of them with take a deep breath fighting back tears just hearing the name of the movie and start on a rant "O...M...Gosh! When Noah laid on the bed next to (whatever the old bag's name was)... I thought MY heart was going to stop beating." I wish it had.

This was in fact the best part of the movie, not only because it meant it was over, but because when the old lady died and then HE died... I laughed! The same laugh I laughed when Leonardo DiCaprio froze in Titanic and Kate Winslet whispered "Come back... Come back...." Both instances resulted in women in their 40's gasping in horrified outrage as I gleefully ruined the moment for them (ha haha!).

Ask 100 guys who saw The Notebook and the 5 who are straight and saw it with a girl for brownie points will tell you the first question they were asked when they left the theatre was "Would die of a broken heart for me???" Only the truly manly ones swallowed their rage and said "Of course I would baby!" in the name of getting some. The other 2 said "I'm sorry, I have just realized I like to date men." as they were turned gay for having seen the movie.

And thats THE NOTEBOOK

XOXO - Someone with better taste than that

Button Fly Jeans

2009-04-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

FACT: The button fly was invested by a woman.
It had to have been. No man who's ever been in a hurry to pee in the men's room, parking garage, side of the road, or side of an X girl-friend's new boy-friend's car would have created the button fly. Every man knows that buttons work against you multiple ways.

Number 1: If you can't open the barn door when there's a fire...
It takes for freakin ever to get those buttons undone. It's the same reason we dont like women to wear button up shirts and bras. (Not button up bras, but those little hook thingies are just as bad cause you have to like get them in the right order and position and by the time you figure it out... oh just cut it off).
On jeans it's like they purposely oversized the button and then made the hole smaller just so they can secretly laugh in some designers meeting about how men will never figure it out!

"Our 3rd quarter numbers are looking really good! There is a 14% increase of men peeing themselves and having to sneak out of work 7 hours early...
And men punching tile walls and hurting themselves is up 22%!"

Problem 2: If you can't close the barn door when stealing horses... I dont know, Im just typing things now.
It is impossible to get those buttons done back up without dropped your pants, sitting down on the floor and doing them one by one, like a kid with those special shapped blocks in the orb. You know Star goes in the star hole, Square goes in the square hole... Of course then someone like your boss walks into the bathroom while you are fighting with your pants.
"What? Your wife has never bought you button fly jeans?"

And another thing! Why the button fly??? Seriously! This can't be a fashion thing... Who the crap is seeing my fly? NO ONE! Most men are lucky if they can see their fly after their pants pass their knees. IT MAKES NO SENSE! The button fly must go!

Bottom line, you dont want to be that guy standing infront of the urinal for 20 minutes cussing under your breath.

XOXO
Wearing button fly from the GAP

Addition to Iranian Terror

2009-04-02T06:10:00.000-07:00

Im an Iranian Terrorist

2009-03-31T05:36:00.000-07:00

WARNING: The following blog is an account of a real life situation that could only happen to me, and yes I am full aware I bring these things on myself. The following contains censored language of which the original verbiage were mostly 4 lettered and racially charged and directed TOWARD ME, a white boy.
And yes I am aware that I started this whole thing so don't bother pointing it out.

This will be a long post, but SO worth the read!
So there I am at the bank drive up, there are two lanes and cars at each, so I do what most normal people do, I sat in the middle waiting for one to leave. This usually pisses off the next person to pull up behind me, which makes me smile, because as we all know, I am a jerk and like "teaching people lessons".

Well sure enough a little old lady pulled up behind me in a gleaming Steel-Blue Buick and starts honking. To which I ignored her. So she got out of the car and starts hobbling up to my window screaming "Get out of my lane." To which I replied. "Hello."

"Don't you hello me, that's my window, you pick a lane and get your @# there!"

"No. This is first come, first serve. When someone pulls out I will move there. Maybe it will be the window, maybe it won't."

"You'll move your @# now!" At this point I have a decision, give in to the little old lady or treat her like my 3 year old and stand her in a corner.

"No, I wont." She then solidified my position by pointing over at the far lane and repeating...

"Move your @#!" After a moment of standing there with her shriveled boney finger pointing at the lane she hobbled back into her car and started to pull into the window lane to force me out... I replied by nosing my car further into the lane blocking her. She laid on her horn and then screeching tires in reverse backed up and pulled forward to try and nose me out of the other lane, to which I nosed back into that lane and we effectively blocked each other. I now controlled both lanes. I rolled down my passenger window and told her: "If you touch my car I will see you in court." She nudged up a little more, so I got out and wrote down her license plate. This enraged the little old lady more when she tried to open her door and found it blocked by my car.

(If this pisses you off, you should stop reading now)

"Dont you write down my personal information!" She yelled out the window. I got back in my car with a smile and she continued to yell. "Move your @#!" And gave a horn honk. "You Iranian looking mother F'er. Go back to the middle east!"

At this point I am laughing and looking for the hidden camera's. Seriously I was being very calm and even smiling as I replied to her.

"Lady, I am whiter than you are. My family has probably been in this country longer than yours."

"Don't you talk about my ancestors you "Sand-N-word"!" (I dont know if you are familiar with the term, but it is in fact the horribly racial slur you are thinking it is.) To which I was absolutely bewildered. What do you say to that? "You terrorist! Go back to Iran!"

At this point I laughed, to which she mocked "Ha Ha Ha! It's really funny!"

"Actually it is, you don't know how much fun Im having."

"I bet, you Sand-N-word. You Muslim terrorist!" At this point I was becoming very offended for people from the middle east, I felt like maybe I was from the middle east in some way... I mean Jesus is from the middle east after all and she has a cross hanging from the rear-view mirror... Maybe I should say something about that.

"I see you have a cross hanging from your mirror, I bet Jesus is very pleased with your behavior right now." I wish you could have seen the horror on her face. It was like I had just dumped ice down her shirt.

"YOU leave my lord and savior Jesus Christ out of this you Muslim terrorist! You F'ing Iranian Sand-N-word!"

"Yeah ok." I laughed.

"Ha ha ha!" She chirped mockingly. I used this time to fill out my deposit slip and turned off my engine. "Move your @# and go back to the middle east you F'ing Sand-N-word!" By this time I have noticed both cars have left and the people in the bank are trying to look busy as they gather around the window to listen.

"Do you kiss your kids with that mouth?"

"Yes I do!"

"Are they racist too?"

"Only against Muslim terrorist!"

"Do you even know what a Muslim is? .... You know, if you would have just moved we could be out of here by now." This is where I feel like Im dealing with a child and again the thought occurs I should just let it go... But then this old bat wins and Im sure thats what she's use to people doing. Plus shes a racist, the kind that give our country a bad name.

"You move your car Muslim! Why don't you leave the bank and go eat a sandwich, you skinny Sand-N-word! Your skinny, you look sick! Sick! It's disgusting!"

"Are you done?" Let me explain a few things... Everyone hates the skinny kid in highschool. The term man-o-rexic might have been invented by my highschool peers. So this bothered me.

"Why don't you shave off that beard and see how Allah likes it you F'ing Iranian Muslim!" And then she took it right where the worst of the worst in my gradeschool, Jr. High and Highschool always went. "You big toothed, big eared jackass! Why don't you go look in some mirrors and break them with your ugly face. Probably every mirror you look in cracks with those big Iranian teeth! You look sick! Blech!" This is like calling Marty McFly a chicken for me.

"Alright Grandma. Your face has more cracks than any mirror I've ever looked at." What am I doing? That barely even makes sense!

"Is everything ok Patricia?" Oh look people from the bank have come outside!

"No everything is not ok, you have this piece of Iranian trash stuck in the lane out here and you need to clean it up and send it back to it's own country. He's a terrorist and he's terrorizing decent American's." I'll give her the terrorizing part but the big teethed big eared jack-ass thing was unforgivable at this point so I dished back. Yep I let a 70 year old racist grandma get the better of me. Gotta problem with that? Cause I dont.

"I don't see a decent American! The only piece of trash I see is you, you red-neck racist piece of white trash!" Ok, calm down Brent.

"He's stealing my personal information and harassing me! He's a terrorist and a sand-n-word! He doesn't even have a license plate on that car of his!"

"Maybe if you didn't have cataracts you would have seen my license plate in my back window AND that I'm not Iranian!"

"You're a Muslim terrorist!"

"You obviously don't know what a Muslim is!"

"It's you!"

Just after this exchange the people from the bank convinced her to let them help her inside while I pulled back and went through the window. Note the whole drive home I thought about how silly the two of us were, but I maintain that its my right to wait for a lane to open up and if YOU (my readers) have a problem with that, go into the lobby when you see my car at the bank.

I have found this story is very polarizing. People either laugh their butt off and think the old lady is horrible or they think I am a child who should be locked up and get obviously upset with my behavior, which was quite in control until the end. Which hey, Im ok with. Without confrontation I wouldn't have these great experiences to share and learn from. Yes I said learn from.
"But Brent you didn't 'learn' anything!"
Haven't we all learned something???

XOXO
Iranian Terrorist

President Augustus Addresses Nation

2009-03-25T08:33:00.000-07:00

(I was just wondering what it would be like if I were president and had a primetime press conference like every week, with no warning, that messed up the TV schedule regardless of TIVO.)

"We now take you to Times New Roman for an important message from
President Augustus."

Thank you for attending my press conference this evening. I know this is last minute, but I really hate Ugly Betty. Without further delay, here are some crazy decrees I have. They will be carried out immediately.

First, energy is no longer a problem. We are all going to walk everywhere from now on... Or maybe travel in those tubes like at the bank. Only bigger. Yes we have a question?

"Um yeah, thats not really your idea, that was on Futurama."

Umm.... Ok thats not a question, is it? Keep your hand down from now on or I will have it removed, and have you beaten soundly with it. It's my idea ok! I have scientists working on the traveling tubes as we speak!

Next: Crime and tax payer burden... Two words. South Dakota... Is it even really a state? I have never met anyone from there, so we're going to fence, surround it with a shark infested mote and lasers, then place all federal prisoners on the newly formed cut-throat island. Oh and all sex offenders will be labeled via tattoo on forehead and then air dropped to the island wearing dresses.

Next item, immigration.
Easy enough. If you are coming into the country illegally, you are a terrorist, no questions asked. All border patrol will be armed with AK47's and are now fully authorized to shoot and kill anyone coming into the country illegally who is not wearing their passport around their neck. This goes double for Canada. Yes that means you will be shot, killed, revived, then shot and killed again.

Last, the economy: No more rich people and poor people.
From now on everyone is a CEO of a company and no one will work for anybody else, no one will ever get a bonus for anything or be special in anyway.
We are all now equals.
Wait... Hold on I need to think about that for a minute. I'll be back next week!

XOXO in 2032

Return to Utah Driving

2009-03-24T21:58:00.000-07:00

I love driving... I love driving fast. You should know this.You could say its the temptation I have been given to overcome. Problem is, with any temptation, I dont really want to overcome it. But speeding costs me money in speeding tickets and so I begrudgingly abstain from speeding.

My favorite is whever I go, anyone who isn't from there trash talk the drivers "Oh these people dont know how to drive out here!" or people who are from there say the exact same thing about anyone with a license plate out of state "Oh those Michigan drivers, they dont even teach them to drive up there!" (Ok bad example, Michigan drivers-ed is taught by the town least-drunk)
This is most evident if there is snow fall. Automatically everyone who isn't YOU, "doesnt know how to drive in snow!" and they are saying the same thing about you while you drive past them doing 60 on slush, you awesome driver you.

I love to drive in Chicago because everything is fast. Its like a race track, everything is split second, traffic is like a living entity that you are linked to, you move together and act as one. If some guy gets ran off the road and shot going 70 on i94... well he deserved that or it wouldn't have happend, besides I would cause an accident stopping.

I also love driving in Las Vegas. People start honking their horn the SECOND the light turns green. Just as it should be, no waiting! You should foresee the light turning green and actually start accelerating into pedestrians 1 second before the light turns green.

Utah (my home) is full of road rage and predatory driving. Between the ages of 16 and 18 I was in more non-police related high speed chases than I have eaten cheeseburgers in my life! People get out at lights to tell you what a moron you are and then when they are done they ask how you did on home teaching last month and see you at church Sunday.

And thus I love / hate driving in Indiana.

When I first moved here I was like "Wow, everyone is so courteous and nice behind the wheel. I like it!"
And then... After the 500th time of coming to a 4 way stop and NO ONE wanting to advance...
Car1: Motioning to everyone to go.
Car2: No, No, everyone else go ahead.
Car3: No, its ok, you guys go.
Car1: No seriously, its ok, go.
Car2: No its ok really.
Car3: Oh you guys! Its ok, go a head.
Brent's car: YOU MORONS! IM GOING TO KILL YOU ALL THEN THEN TAKE THE RIGHT OF WAY AWAY FROM YOU ALL!!!!
Cars1, 2, and 3: *Shocked and abhorred!* He went through..... He just stopped and waited and then went when no cars were coming... he went... It hasn't even been the minimum 5 minute safe waiting period........

In Utah I was a pike in a sea of sharks... In Indiana I am a shark in a pond of blue-gill!

XOXO
The guy honking behind you

DOUBLE....CHEESE.... BURGER!

2009-03-05T08:55:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a good rant on here in a while. Partly due to vacation in Utah.
So here goes, I am due.

I need to be on record as saying I am a happy person. I may not smile Joe Biden 24/7 but that does not mean I am not happy. I happen to be concerned about smile lines ok? (not really)
So keep in mind I am a happy freakin person.

I have been informed I am a jerk.
Ok that's nothing new... I've been told that weekly if not daily since the age of ... birth?

My wife's 2 complaints in question:
1: I dont hand money to cashiers, I put it on the counter and let them pick it up. She says I throw it on the counter... Now IF I do this, this is the same reason I cannot place playing cards on the table and must casually throw them from a distance... The reason is.... Im just cool, ok?

2: When ordering food and stuff, I am "rude"... Which really brings us to this blog post.

IF (thats a big "if" ha)... if ... I come off as rude, it is not without reason! I am jaded when it comes to food service industry.
I have been told I look like a cereal killer, caught people not washing their hands and then making burritos, and otherwise being UNcustomer friendly way too many times to keep going into fast food with a positive attitude. Fast Food is where people who can't pass background checks for the DMV (BMV) go to work.

Your JOB is food service... Do your JOB and we'll get along great.

Do NOT... do the following:

Give me what I ordered and give it to me with napkins, Ketchup packets (or catsup for you fancy people... you make me sick) and straws!

Don't say things like:
"Oh did you want straws?"
No I wanted to sip my coke through that little hole the straw goes in...
"Oh did you want napkins?"
Im eating the worlds most greasy salty, saucy food... I think one or two dozen napkins might be requisite.

When I am ordering, wait for me, the CUSTOMER, to indicate I am finished ordering. Don't ask if that's all after everything I say. If I have a rising intonation that means there is more coming. If I say something and end it with a falling terminative intonation I am done.

Do not burst out with my total after I've ordered one item. Likewise, do not keep giving me the running totally after each item. You are not my bank statement! Thats what this magical blinding red teleprompt is for.

ASK ME IF IM DONE following the guide-lines above of course.

If you do any of these things at the drive thru... I will keep ordering things I don't even have any intention of eating just so I can say the word "AND" really loud.

And I will sit and wait for you to come back to the window to ask if there is anything else so I can act surprised and go "Oh... I assumed you were finding napkins and straws?"

So I might be a jerk.... IDK (I dont know)
XOXO

AND......... an order of spicy curls. Ok Im done.

Lindsay Lohan.....(shiver)

2009-03-04T12:20:00.000-08:00

Ummm yeah, I hate Lindsay Lohan.
There is no reason any of us should even know who she is. We should be saying things like "Remember that really annoying red headed girl from that horrible horrible 3rd remake of the Parent Trap? No not the one the Olson Twins did, the OTHER other one. Yeah what was that girl's name? That's right no one knows or cares because she hasn't done anything since.
Other than that other really horrible remake of another bad Disney movie, HERBIE.

Anyway... for some cruel reason the world know who she is and she was at the Oscars. I was busy that night or I totally woulda gone just so I could "Accidentally" trip on her and break her in half and we could be done with it.
Anyway! She was there and a photo was taken of her which has confirmed one or two ~~facts~~ theories I have.

The photo in question.....

Lindsay Lohan is a bloodless creature of the under-world, that much we know for fact, but her actual classification is still unknown....
This picture just helps us narrow it to ... ALEIN OR VAMPIRE.

The StarTrek sheild symbol is a registered trade-mark of CBS Studios Inc.

If she is an alein, then we have no choice but to lock her in a deep dark dungeon miles below the earth's crust in the Nevada dessert.

If she is a vampire its the blood and vodka sucking monster of the night-club kind, and not the romantic sparkly kind (If you got that joke, may mercy be given your soul (and mine)). If this is the case we must drive a sharp wooden stake into her chest (it doesnt matter where as she has no heart, because she has no blood...

Something interesting happend to me...

2009-02-26T15:44:00.000-08:00

Just when you think you have nothing interesting going on, life takes a crap on you and says "Thats something interesting, blog about that!"

This is really kind of a two parter and I am told it's funny... I guess if it were someone else it would be pretty funny, so here you go.

1: I love RAMEN NOODLES.But I don't love them they way the rest of normal people do. I love them in their raw crunchy uncooked form! Just mash up the packet, but not too much, then dump in 1/2 to 3/4 of the "seasoning" packet, shake up and you are now ready to consume a crunchy snack that will fill your belly and make the roof of your mouth and gums bleed, and who doesn't love that?! Come on! (hmmm maybe people in Kentucky live off dry ramen and Mnt Dew....)Ramen comes in many flavors... Ummm let's see... Salt, Sea Salt, Natural Salt, Kosher Salt, Iodized Salt, Salty Soy Sauce, and Shrimp. Oh and my current favorite Picante Salt which tastes like salt had some jalapenos mummified in it.

2: So there I am sitting at my desk @ work on the late shift, thinking about how boring my life is and enjoying my spicy salty snack, leaning back in my chair when I tipped the bag and give it the old pat pat to shake the small crumblies into my mouth when suddenly salt acid was poured into my eyes.
Ya know how in cartoons when this happens (Japanimation?) the character lets out a scream that sounds like a train whistle and then leaps out of the chair straight into the air (that exactly what went down), runs for the nearest water source (the water cooler... its like 2 feet closer than the sink) and then open it directly into their eye like a firehose then sigh in sweet relief.... That relief does not come with water in real life.

Problem 1: Aside from the searing acid in my eye that is...
When you are in such pain, you aren't exactly "thinking CLEARLY", so the water cooler seems like a great idea, after all I am half blind at this point and can't see the sink a few feet away and to the right. Water coolers are at a low level which requires a strange angle for someone who is 6'4" to get their eye under.

Problem 2: Our water cooler at work, while nice and cold, does not have a drain... so with water running down my face, the tile floor now becomes somewhat slippery when wet.

Problem 3: Plastic water coolers do not provide any type of stability when your weight supported on them suddenly shifts. Nor are their giant 500lbs water bottles secured in any way, other than their own weight. So now laying on the ground problem 4 is realized.

Problem 4: Water does not flush out the capsation-oil contained in peppers. I remember this lesson because a co-worker at Lincoln once chopped jalapenos and then put in her contacts and couldn't open her eye the rest of 2005.
But wait, when you mouth is burning you drink milk and it stops right???? Luckily I keep some milk in the fridge at work and eat cereal at my desk with it!
I dont know if you have ever put milk in your eye... I don't really recomend it.
Luckily the human eye ball has these things called tears, and thanks to them I have not suffered any long term effects other than a headach, which was compounded by my 1 year old thinking its funny to head-bunt you and then laugh and say "BONK!". Oh and she kicked me in the circus... You know... in the crotch?

This week is almost over right?

XOXO
Half Blindman

Ummmm....

2009-02-26T09:39:00.000-08:00

I have nothing....

Usually there is plenty of ammusing things for me to rant about. Most of them end up in my dead drafts folder for one reason or another.

So I thought I would just submit the following....... No rant needed, just a title.

STIMULUS PACKAGE

Kids. Their job is to kill you.

2009-02-17T11:24:00.000-08:00

First off, did you know if you have a BlogSpot you can go into Customize, Layout, Add Gadget and add FOLLOWERS. This will give you a little box in the right hand of your blog that lists people who follow your blog and if you follow me, I'll follow you!
But if you don't do it we're not friends anymore........ Im serious..........
Ok, you're dead to me.

There are like two good ages for children.

The first is Nathan's age. Birth. They are cuddly and just want to nap and be held all the time.They only make noise when they want to be fed or changed and their poop is little.

Then they learn to crawl and its all over. Now they are little dust mops off to find every dust bunny and piece of hair they can fit in their mouth. They will find pieces of food you didnt know existed. "Wow! We haven't had fish sticks since Lent!"

The Japanese have attempted to capitalize on this age with the baby dust mop... Way to go Japan... Make those babies earn their keep!

The next good age is when they are about 1.5, they are still cute and cuddly, no longer covered in a film of dust and hair from the floor. They can now feed themselves and they only know a few words so they haven't learned to back talk yet, but this age can be short lived once Huh-uh! or No is learned. This starts the age of back-talk.

It seems like the next good age would be once they can dress themselves... But this just means they can CHANGE their clothes and come up with Keith Richards inspired clothing combinations moments before you have to leave for that court date on the whole child negligence thing over buying the dust mop onesie on Ebay.JP and letting your child eat ancient fish sticks.

From there you can look forward to years of your children trying to kill you by setting fire to things like the tent you are sleeping in, jumping off the house, making parachutes out of king bed sheets in high winds (it so worked for like 100 feet!), stitches, and many late night phone calls from parents and police, high car insurance after multiple car wrecks etc....
Cherish the younger years while you can, if its too late...... its ok, the sweet release of death or warrant of the state can't be too far off.

XOXO
Holding my 1 month old, watching my 3 year old talking the 1 year old into getting under the clothes basket and doing nothing to stop it.

NASCAR

2009-02-12T13:27:00.000-08:00

When I moved to Indiana I thought, "Oh it might be cool to live with Indians..."
I didn't know I would be surrounded by NASCAR fans instead.

I have to hear all the freakin time about Number so and so and how amazing he can drive in a circle... I drove 30 laps in a circle once, It resulted in me and my friends being pulled out of the car for a sobriety check. No soberity check needed at NASCAR, because everyone is 3 drinks past drunk. How else can you stand NASCAR?

Imagine if spinning around in a circle was a sport, and it didn't just happen once, but every Sunday and some weekdays 9 months a year so you could rank who was best at spinning in a circle. Of course the real reason these 12 toed W.T. hill people are watching NASCAR is waiting for flaming wreckage. Of course then when it happens and someone dies, then you are contractually oblegated to buy comemerative plate collections, special edition collectors watches, playing cards, beer can cozies, chewing tobaco spit cups, and a mariad of other crap sporting the deceased's face and racing number.

My brother and I use to have races to see who could muck a horse stall the fastest, and that was more of a sport than NASCAR.

Hmmmm things that are more of a sport than NASCAR!
Here we go!
Women's golf
Croquette
Hot dog eating contest
Geriatric Synchronized Swimming
All you can eat buffets
Taking a nap
Going to the bathroom
Omelet making contest

Feel free to leave a comment of things you can think of that are more of a sport than NASCAR!

The dog ate my homework last night...

2009-02-09T06:30:00.000-08:00

The good'ol days of being 17... skipping class... Job's only lasted the summer, just like romances...

I had this awesome band that almost went big-time! Brental Attack! We were so cool!

I remember this one time my friends and I were trying to get concert tickets and then we found a bag full of money, there was like $3,000 in the bag, so we decided to camp-out all night in the mall and buy as many concert tickets as possible when the box office opened, then scalp the tickets, keep the $$$,$$$ we'd make and return the money we found. Kinda like finder's fee investing...

Well turns out the money belonged to gangsters who tried to kill us, so we hid out in the mall all night camping in a sporting good's store (which is also the first place I would have looked for us). Undetoured from our ticket scalping operation, smarter people would have gotten out of the mall... Come to find we were really on a hidden camera show.

Oh and this other time some of my friends started an all girl band, and I was their manager, only my friend Jesse became adicted to caffeine pills (which Im still not sure why that is dangerous...) and she did it all in the name of needing to study so she could be validictorian. I guess caffeine is the gateway drug to harder drugs like Red-Bull, and heroine? She never did get validictorian.

Principal Belding was pretty worried... Wait... TIME OUT! I didn't have Mr. Belding...
Wait, those things didn't happen to me, those are some of my favorite episodes of Saved by the Bell!

Ok,TIME IN!

If you were born say 1977-1983 then your life should have been molded by the students of BaySide. They taught us so much about issues we were all dealing with... Remember when they saved animal's from the school pond after an oil spill also at the school pond? That was to teach us... well... something I'm sure.

Oh and I know we all had a Johnny Dakota (Big fake movie star) who we idlized until he came to our school, tried to steal our girl friend and offered us all pot.

So where are our classmates now?
Well Jessie (Elizabeth Berkley) made a movie called show girls, which I never saw cuz hello it was rate NC17 and had Jessie, not Kelly, as a stripper. And Im sure it sucked cuz she hasn't made anything since, and I never hear anyone defending it saying "That movie was GOOD!"

Zack (Mark Paul Gosselaar) actually was pretty good in his support role on NYPD Blue.

A.C. Saltter (Mario Lopez) Did a daytime talk show with Dick Clark? Danced with other "stars" and M.C.'ed Miss America this year...

Kelly (Tiffany Amber Theissen... wait is that what's in my whole-grain bread?) Was in the short lived series Fast Lane, which I loved, inspite of her character, because of the little white guy with the attitude and all the sweet cars and guns.

Screetch and Lisa (Dustin Diamond and Lark Voorhies) ....... (insert audio of chirping crickets)

If Saved by the Bell were on when I get home from work, I would totally DVR and watch every last episode, start to finish. Heck I might find them online and watch them on lunch today.
I probably shouldn't tell anyone that.

Now POP Quiz. Vote over on the right --->
Who were the gang in line to get tickets to see?

George Michael, U2, Collective Soul, or Toad the Wet Sprocket?

BTW, where is Principle Belding now???
Oh that's right, in Vegas with strippers. Just like my principle, Stevie Oliverson.
Way to go Richard.

PETA..... Gimme a break!

2009-02-05T12:56:00.000-08:00

I hate PETA... I really do, I remember during the pre-election, some PETA woman asked Mitt Romney what he intended to do about the homeless pet population, and he almost died laughing and became my hero when he replied "well I dont think thats an issue the president needs to be concerned with given the pressing matters our country is going through."
Any organization who puts animal "rights" before human rights can kiss my white butt.

Animals have the right to be tasty!
They have the right to be rare, medium rare, medium or well done. They have the right to look slamming when turned into fashionable clothing on models. The end of animal's rights.

(copyright PETA & Variety 2009)

PETA is in an outrage that Giorgio Armani used fur in his most recent fashion line. Armani had made statements years ago that he was sympathetic and understanding of animal cruelty movements and would abstain from using animal products in his clothing. PETA is now demanding that celebrities everywhere boycott Armani at the Oscars Feb 22nd, less than 3 weeks from today. Maybe they dont realize that people going to the Oscar's dont buy their Armani at the outlet mall the week before the Oscars.

A couple of things.... Who the crap cares what PETA thinks??? Is PETA even still around? I thought all the tree hugging hippies were outlawed or holding cabinet positions in the new administration.
Seriously PETA? Get over it.

I don't see PETA in outrage that KFC is serving tasty chicken products...
Where is the outrage for McDonalds for serving mostly beef and other "sorta-meats"?
Here is what PETA SHOULD be pissed about and asking the Oscars to help boycott Dreamworks!

(copyright Dreamworks Productions 2009)

This is by far a million times worse than killing a unicorn to wear as a coat with matching unicorn horn earrings and necklace combo and baby seal skin stilettos and a purse made from polar bear!

I'd be curious to see PETA's priorities flow chart.

IF animal involved was raised in a warm barn and fed lots of fattening food and is now dead & being worn for fashion, THEN "go bat crap crazy!"

IF animal involved is human & homeless, hungry, dying in a gutter, THEN "who cares?" Not PETA.

XOXO
I want a steak...

Super Dee-Duper Bowl!

2009-02-02T07:34:00.000-08:00

Super Dee-Duper Bowl!
~~It's a hydoponic maui-wowie chronic pcp blend grown by monks in the high andes fired in a magical crystal bowl bong forged by the fires of mount-doom...~~

It's not a calcium and rust removing toilet bowl cleaner... Although I would be more likely to watch that for 4 hours... Yeay the super bowl is next week!!! What? Last night? Oh... Ok...
Yeay! Awesome commercials to watch on YouTube during lunch today!

FACT: I have never watched an entire super bowl... I have watch part of 3.... The Raider were in one... The Cowboy in another and Green-bay in another. I have no years on those. Have any of those teams played each other in the Super Bowl? Cuz maybe I've only seen part of one that all 3 of them were in. Huh? Maybe? Ok, they may have not even happened.
The last time I watched any part of the Super Bowl? 1998.

No secret, I don't like football. I can watch college ball but I have littel clue what's going on. NFL? To me that means "Nerve-Fiber-Layer", I couldn't care less about the NFL, 90% of them are over paid, under talented, steroid abusing, womanizing, jokes who sadly are held up to be roll models to young boys across the nation.

I learned this trick from my friend Chris Ford, when someone is talking about football you just nod and no matter what they've said you just reply "Thats amazing." In-practice: "That looser dropped the ball 5 times!" Reply: "Thats amazing!" "They beat them by (1 to 5,000,000 points)" Reply: (All together now) "Thats amazing!"

Still, there will be more video streamed in office's around the country today than during the inauguration, all in the name of Super Bowl commercials, the one good thing to come from the Super Bowl. Still not enough to get me to watch Live.

I love when someone at work comes up to me and is all "Did you see the Super Bowl?!" and I say...
"No, the World Figure skating finals were this weekend. (seriously)"
And they take an uncomfortable step backward and say "Aren't you married?"
"Yes."
"To a woman?"
"Yep."
"And you have kids?"
"Yep, 3 kids, count'em... 1-2-3."
"I gotta go."

XOXO

The Snuggie

2009-01-30T06:11:00.000-08:00

(I apologize for the length of this post but its WORTH IT!)

When I was a kid I had this red robe and when I would watch Transformers every Saturday morning in it, only I would put it on backward so I could sit on the closing and stay warmer. I guess the concept of a blanket was too advanced for me?
Little did I know I could have been saving on my heating bills!!!

The Snuggie owes me royalties dang it!
This is the most ridiculous piece of crap I have ever seen, and sorry ladies, anyone who buys this should be removed from society and placed on an island in the Arctic. Your snuggies will keep you warm, right? Yes I just assumed that only women are buying these as no self respcting man would be caught dead in one of these things.

I am aware that people I know (and once respected) have bought the snuggie, so please take this the right way, in fun... and condescending judgement.
How can someone be making millions off marketing a backward robe?!
WHO IS BUYING ALL OF THESE FREAKIN THINGS?!
Let's just look at some of the "selling points" / "features" of the snuggie, shall we? Yes lets.

Hands free... I pretty much demand all my blankets be hands free... Don't you? I guess if you had an IQ of 6 you might need a handsfree blanket and thats probably the target customer anyway. Or did you mean I walk in the room and it just jumps on my body without me touching it?

Oversized sleeves? Is that a feature or a defect that lets in cold air? They should market this as "Giant wizard sleeves so your spell casting isn't effected!"

Super Large... Do I even need to go there?

Perfect for Outdoors... The TV add shows someone tailgating at a foot ball game... I think not, eating finger sandwiches at the US Figureskating finals, MAYBE and even then I bet you get beat up by people less gay looking than you. People like Brian Boitano, Viktor Petrenko, Johny Weir & Yevgeny Plushenko (and now possibly me for not having to use google to get those names. Zoinks!)

But wait! The true mark of a high quality product is the fact that for only $19.95 you get not one, but TWO! Yes, TWO! Snuggies
(Insert Seasame Street Count laughing here)
"Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah!"

But Wait! The Snuggie also can be used as a Grand Wizard's robe for KKK meetings!

BUT WAIT! There's more! It can't be a real high quality product unless it comes with something that is guaranteed fall apart the 2nd time you use it or show it to someone.

That's why the snuggie comes with this craptastic reading light! Clip it to your book and watch it slide off and fall over or ever keep you from turning the pages! Yeay!

You'll be amazed at how much time you will waste trying to reclip this sucker everytime you finish a page!

You might expect to pay upwards of $2.30 for this high quality robotic reading light on Amazon and Google, but since the whole-salers are trying to disassociate them selves with these pieces of plastic crap, and the class action law suits that are no doubt being filed against the manufactures by people suckered into actually PAYING for this thing, it's yours for free!
(Disclaimer: By accepting your snuggie and reading light you hear by agree that you forfeit all rights to take future legal action against the creators of the robotic reading light for pain and suffering and mental anguish.)

I promise these kid's are getting beat up first thing Monday morning after being seen at this game. The boy is also going to be knick-named "Snuggie Poo" for life and that is not a name a boy want's from Jr. high to death (which will be at some point in highschool)
"Come on defense, cast your Mordenkainens Magical Watch-Dog spell on the end zone! Go Gryffindor!"

According to the creator, 2.8million orders have been placed for over 4.25 million total sales of these things. Thats $84 million gross, so if they are making 15% net profit that's $12,750,000 in this chump's pocket! Holy crap, my head might explode in rage.... Wait for it..... keep waiting.... We'll come back.

Obviously if they have sold more than 4 million of this pieces of fleece excrement, our economy can't be doing that bad! If you have so much money laying around you are spending $20 on one of these? No tax return, no economic stimulus package for you!

I feel like Im taking crazy pills here! (still waiting for head to explode)
Personally I'm waiting for the Tom Cruise endorsement that the Snuggie must be worn at all times so when the Alien overlords come to earth, those who are with snuggie may be saved and taken up, and the rest burned alive. I will be proud to set my self on fire on that great day.

You know you love me,
XOXO

Hot pocket

2009-01-26T06:37:00.001-08:00

A Hot-Pocket is an interesting thing. It is a pastry substance filled with meaty, cheesy saucy stuff made from whatever is left over after they make hot-dogs and canned pastas. Being able to eat them is a lot like being able to eat old lunch meat, or 10 for $1.00 burritos, it takes some building up the old digestive track.

I remember the day of being 15 and two hot pockets would yield a couple hours of tummy churning gurgles. 3 earned you an urgent trip to the bathroom! If you could eat 4 you earned Fear Factor Champion Status.

I can eat 6 sausage egg & cheese Breakfast pockets. Actually I might be able to eat 8... But I know for sure I can eat 6. How do I know this? WHY do I know this?

Our fridge at work as long been a mystic time capsule filled with things placed in the freezer for safe keeping in hope that someday Tom Cruise and the alien over-lords will study our freezer will study what people were eating in March 2005. The obvious draw back to this is with 40 people sharing one fridge how is there room to fit everything inside? Well there isn't, and thats how you end up with egg's rolls from 2006 buried in the bottom. Now a few weeks ago out office admin decided to clean out the fridge and throw away anything that didn't have someone's name on it or was grossly past the BEST IF USED BY DATE. The email went out that on Friday at 2pm the purge would begin. This is where Christmas 2 happens for Brent and Mark.

I'm still 17 & I eat like it too!
With Sharpies in hand at 1:45pm we stationed ourselves as a buffer between freezer and trash can, putting our names on any and all unclaimed Hot-Pockets.
Brent's haul: A box of 6 Breakfast Pockets, 2 Peperoni pockets, 1 Chicken Broccoli & Cheese Pocket, & some LeChoy egg rolls. I promptly nuked the eggs rolls and eat them as 2nd lunch.

So in short I had 6 Breakfast pockets: which are a tad smaller than the regular lunch/dinner pockets (AKA Liner-Pocket in the Hot Pocket Circles) so I ate 2... then I figured hey I have 4 more I should eat 2 more... So I ate 2 more and figured well I'm not quite full... I should eat the other 2 so they aren't lonely. So I did.

Regrets: NONE! I have earned the right and privilege to suck down multiple Hot Pockets without so much as a single trip to the bathroom! Stomach of iron here baby! (Inside, not out. Outside it's more like hot pocket dough...)

How: I don't believe in washing the bowl at my desk, other than with water, I eat pizza that's been left out over night, I haven't washed my water bottle in months.... I keep a healthy level of unhealthy bacteria in my system at all times.

Afterthoughts:
Why is it that Hot Pockets are always a layer of molten lava sauce and cheese like product encasing a lump of still very cold matter?

Defiant Conformity

2009-01-23T06:14:00.000-08:00

One of my friends commented that my blog graphics seem really borring and bland, so I thought "Wow... Clint's a jerk." and then I thought "He is right, where is my youthful (approaching middle aged) splash of color and personality???" and then I thought "Clint's still a jerk." ;)

So if you know me, really know me, then you know my new blog title is me!

Defiant Conformity:
The eventual submission to adapt to a popular activism, belief, way of thinking, or other behavior, after an initial resolution or disposition of resistance.

Social Defiance:
The cognitive bias of resisting behavior, action, activity or otherwise submitting to popular or majority standard(s) for no other reason than doing so (or rather not doing so) out of spite.

I have this irrational fear that someday I will accidentally open a mysterious box that will come in a lot of crap I buy at an estate auction for a crazy old scientist / monk and suddenly I travel in time and find myself face to face with 18 year old Brent, and I gotta tell ya, thats scary, because if 28 year old Brent comes face to face with 18 year old Brent and 28 year old Brent is wearing kakhis from the GAP and my red, pink, and blue plad button up shirt from AE and my black slip on dress shoes.... 28 year old Brent is probably going to get the CRAP kicked out of him! He / I will probably use the chains for my wallet to strangle myself and stab me with the safety pins in the side hem of my pants.
Oh and then I find out the estate auction was for myself!

So while I feel Im somehow abandoning my anarchist, buck authority teenage self, adult me is proud of the fact that I think my minivan is awesome! Yeah I said awesome! Yeah I cut my hair AND I use gel! And so what if a couple of years ago I watched the entire series of Dawson's Creek from start to finish? Check this out 18 year old Brent, I have a house! with a yard and trees! HA! And a Laptop! And a 3Ghz 64bit quad-core computer with 2 Gig of memory and 1.36 Terabytes of disk space! So eat it!
And of course, best of all, I have 3 cute kids and a freakin sexy wife!

Conformity isn't soo bad. You don't have to sell out, just buy in.

I am defiant conformity.

There is something wrong with me...

2009-01-09T07:49:00.000-08:00

This is something wrong with me. OR the more likely, there is something wrong with everyone else! I dont know how many of these child dying "make a wish" humanity stories I have had forwarded to me over the years, but I have yet to read one that wasn't so over the top hokey that it made me laugh while my peers are tearing up. It's not that Im some unfeeling jerk with a heart of stone. I cried when Dr. Mark Green died on ER, when Satine the prostitute died in Moulin Rouge, and when the first scratch was put on my Flyer Miami Electric Guitar.

The problem isn't me, don't be ridiculous, it's the story tellers.

My problem isn't with the acts of charity, it is with the "telephone game" style retellings of the story for some strange internet publicity game. I likewise take issue with local new crews going to schools when parents come back form Iraq and surprise them and they do the whole slow motion running hug crap... Why must people intrude on otherwise beautiful moments?

The kid is usually named something like Billy. The original story might be like he always wanted to be a cop, so he gets to go to the station and they give him a badge and he gets to go in a car and flip the siren and donuts with them. Then some cops come to his funeral. The end.

This is will invariably turn into a preface where Billy never had any friends, his atheist Dr. is the best there is but has no hope for him living more than a week. He shocks everyone when he lives two months and his dream of being a policeman comes true when he gets his own badge and glock 9mm, his own Dodge Charger and license to give out tickets and shoot people. While making a routine traffic stop he shoots a mass murdering bank robber the police have been looking for and then sees an out of control bus full of children, elderly nun's and puppies with a bomb attached that will explode should the bus drop below 88mph and also explode if anyone weighing more than 60lbs steps on board, he springs into action and climbs into the bus through a hole in the bottom.

He defuses the bomb and saves them all. Then on the day he is dying the entire police force and all the nun's and puppies show up to his room, lining the hall ways. Puppies are usually against hospital regulation but come on, it's Billy! With his last breath he asks the Chief of Police "Are you my friends? Am I a real cop now?" to which the big hearted Chief replies "You are the Chief of Police! And your best friend of all, Jesus, is here too!" to which Billy replies "I know, he's been hand cuffed to me all day!" and then dies in the Police Chief's arms while they all sing amazing grace and baptize the atheist Dr. who never believed in anything but Science until that moment.

Oh his parents are there somewhere too...... Im sure they did something to make him happy at some point but probably not so why mention them. (Yes thats a period not a question mark because I want it to be a cold statement rather than a nonchalant question.)

And another thing, people dont usually have last words... Last words are usually like "Watch me jump this" , "Hey check this out" , "I'll have that rare" and then they actually die a few days later of the complications.

XOXO
Medium Rare Brent

Expired in 2006

2009-01-05T17:36:00.000-08:00

Back with a vengeance in 09 baby!
(Speaking of which... Did I mention that Dec 30th I was sitting at home watching some killer giraffes fly on the leathery wings of a bat and drink gasoline and breath pure fire on TV (if you dont know what Im talking about click here NOW)... when I heard foot steps. Now usually at 10pm foot steps mean Vivian is up, but then I saw a shadow about 5 feet up the door way and I jumped up to kill to intruder when I noticed said intruder was a smiling female face.It was my sister-inlaw and BFF Vanessa (Va-nasty) who surprised us all by flying in from Vegas for her BFF Laura's bridal shower and New Years. Highlight of my year? Must have been. Well highlight of the day anyway... although those vampire giraffes are pretty awesome....TIE)

First order of business in 2009? Eating something that expired in 2006.

Yes 2006! This means I lived in Utah when I bought said item.

Dont worry though, it's not cream cheese of lunch meat, it's just a pasta-roni.

What do I hope to accomplish by this feat? Well I guess satisfy the fact that Im hungry for some Alfredo? and ummm put to rest some preconceived notions about food storage?

One thing I learned while Macy was in Night School at the Paul Mitchell Academy was how to church up food! Eating an entire Pasta-Roni (or two), or Mac'N'Cheese (or two) while studying strategic management was not an uncommon thing for me. It is generally referred to as Anarchy Cooking.

I was first introduced to the principles of Anarchy Cooking by the lovable Old James in 1997. Wait... I didn't learn Anarchy Cooking from Old James.... Old James wasn't even there... I dont even know nobody named Old James... Shoot. Well at any rate someone taught me how to Anarchy Cook in the middle of the night (around 4:20am) at my friend Christian's house while his family was in California. He opened the fridge and saw a dozen eggs, some Parmesan cheese, brown stuff, old Sunny D and lots of spices. "I can make this work" he said as he threw them together in a bowl and made the best darn omelet I have ever had.

Since then I have mastered the art of taking things like Pasta-Roni or minute rice and turning out amazingly tasty dishes.

4-5 year old Pasta-Roni
(Assuming it takes 1 year of ownership for Pasta to go bad?)
Put 1 1/2 cups water into a pan and add all kinds of crazy spices from the rack you normally wouldn't put in something to send to those neighbors you don't like.

Add 1 cup of butter and cook until aldente!

I don't know what's more worrisome:
I just ate an entire thing of Pasta-Roni
Said Pasta-Roni was expired
I think it's awesome that I did A and B.

Where am I in 09?

2009-01-05T09:05:00.000-08:00

Where have I been? Well I'll tell you. Obviously.

Let's see, Friday Dec 19th 2008, 5 days before Christmas, there was an icestorm in which the entire town lost power.
The transformers start blowing at 5:35am and sounded like we were under attack as tree limbs crashed to the ground, power lines shorted out and caused transformers to explode. Not the good kind of transformers that save us from doom, the kind that when they go out cause you to freeze to death in your own home.
10am our house was 55 degrees and we BAILED!

Friday 11am: Here is one of 3 major limbs that fell, the next one to fall would rip the meter out of our house.

Friday afternoon, we bailed out my motherinlaw who was trapped as her garage door is electric. I still say my fatherinlaw laughed all the way to work knowing that one! ;) So after winterizing my house dumping pipes and moving debris we went to the nice warm mall where there is always power! Total houses without power in the region? 180,000 residence's times by 2.8 people her household 504,000 people roughly.

It is around this time I start to wonder why Im so lazy and didn't replace the thermostat in our Minivan sooner as it now blows about 65 degrees... Which I guess is technically warmer than outside...

Brent see's multiple Photo Ops! Click here to see my Ice-Storm pictures on flickr.

Friday Night still no power so we got Pizza and went to Macy's sister's house (Chad and Natalie) for a sleep-over. Queue picture of Chad eating said Pizza...

Saturday Dec 20th still no power and the temperature in the house @ noon was 38 and dropping. At this point I had to go put a lower control arm on the GrandAm as the city picked the perfect week to give me a notice to have it done. Christmas nuts the town over have official frozen.
Saturday 6pm: we sleep over at my inlaw's as they now have power back on. Temperature in Casa Di'Augustuso: 35 or less as the thermostat stopped at 35....

Sometime Sunday morning power is restored and the house takes about 3 hours to warm back up to 60.... Go figure.

Tuesday I fix the thermostat in the minivan and it is now blowing hot. I also use this time to wire in the new Remote Starter I got Macy for Christmas.... Downside? The head-lights will now not turn off... Remote starter.... head lights.... For those of you who aren't mechanically inclined the starter and the headlights are TOTALLY UNRELATED!

Christmas happens: In what is becoming a Quadra-Yearly Christmas Tradition my father-inlaw slide off a country road and had to be pulled out. I got a 14 gallon Shop-Vac! Yeay!

New Years happens, I discover I am awesome at Guitar Hero hitting 91% my first try.
Friday I work a half day, thank goodness, because I got the freakin flu!

So here I am, finally my core temp has returned to normal (florel-lavage not needed), half deaf from congesstion in my ears and doing grrreat with '08 behind me.

First snow... horriblly funny results!

2008-12-17T07:13:00.000-08:00

Would you rather poop your pants in your new car... Or go by the side of the road in the snow storm when it's 18 out-side with freezing rain? Think about it and vote on the poll over to the right --->

The first real snow fall of the year came last night and has already brought me two stories...
First on the way to work I saw a fox, who seemed to not be afraid of me as I pulled up next to him and he just stood looking at me like 3 feet away! I thought about opening the car door and explaining to Macy he just jumped in and followed me home, can we keep him, can we, can we, can we?! But then I remembered I like my face attached to my skull and would not like it gnawed off. But then again I would get an early Christmas Vacation PAID.

The second is going to cross the TMI line (Too much information), shoot its going to full out run past the TMI line until its just a blip of a vanishing point.

The snow began to fall sometime in the late afternoon along with freezing drizzle. By the time I left work the world was a slick white mess just waiting for salt and car wrecks! Every year the same thing happens, no one remembers how to drive in snow. Likewise the people who aren't from that state automatically think they are now the only one who knows how to drive in the snow and level judgemental groans like "People in Canada don't know to drive in the snow! Im from Arizona! I KNOW how to drive in the snow!" (sorry Josh, but it's ok, I do it too ;)

It took an hour and 15 minutes to get to my church building. Once I was done with financial clerking duties I ventured home. The state Road I take home across the vast corn fields looked as if it was the road that the plows forget. Taking the road at 25miles per hour and corners at 10, I was still fearful I would end up in a ditch... Little did I know I was fated to do just that, but not by the means I thought.

About 15 minutes into the drive my stomached turned against me and headed south for the winter. I dawned on me a few minutes later that only driving 25-30mph I may not make it home in time... Suddenly my stomach spoke... Strange I know! It said "PULL THE CAR OVER!" and so I did just that. Turning on the first country road I came to, I pulled a goodly distance away from the main road and with winter coat on, fist full of McDonalds napkins and the spirt of The Boy Scouts, I stepped into the -10 wind chill, ice and snow.
About this time I see some very bright headlights turn onto the road toward me. I don't know if you are familiar with the sudden wave of panic that accompanies that moment.. Get's me every time. Luckily I did what I needed to, and kicked some snow over my tracks as a large man got out of the truck and said. "Ya need some help digging out!" walking my way...
"No!... I mean, no. That's ok. I think I got it." I replied.
"Ya sure?"
"Yep! Im sure!" I got into my car and my heart suddenly dropped and I screamed "NO!" when I put it in drive and my tires spun..... But wait! A glimmer of hope... The car was creeping forward fractions of an inch at a time! Luckily the frozen dirt under the snow pack was giving me traction! Bit by bit the car moved until it finally caught traction and lunged forward. I drove out of sight as quickly as 20 miles an hour will allow as his truck bright's were giving a glow of mid-day to the new fallen snow. Luckily my license plate was totally covered with snow in the back window!
And now for the TMI part... Im still trying to get my butt's core temperature back to normal.

If you have never gone potty outside, you are A: a girl, B: a lying girl.

BEYONCE?

2008-12-14T11:41:00.000-08:00

When I blog, I dont know, I just like become someone else, ya know... He is fearless and says what he thinks and doesnt care what YOU think... I call him ....

Raul Ferocious!

Beyonce...

I am annoyed to the point of vomiting with a lot of celebrities but Beyonce keeps out doing herself. Wait sorry she's not Beyonce, Beyonce is a shy girl from the neighborhood, when she is "in the spot light Sasha Fierce takes over!" Thats a freakin quote from Beyonce about her new CD "I am Sasha Fierce", her explaination, she is two people and Sasha is the one who isn't affraid of anything and takes all the risks................ Wow..........
This is the kind of statement that usually lands people in a nice white room with a woman with a pleasant voice and heavy framed glasses and a white lab coat asking you to look at ink blots and tell her what comes to mind when she says "Qwert".

When she was 19 she started dating then 40 something year old rapper Jay-Z... Eww. What 19 year old girl is dating a 40 year old guy! Maybe her name is Lolita Fierce.... (I just learned what a Lolita is :)
Further more if you are a 40 year old guy dating a 19 year old girl do you suffer from arthritis from all the high-fives? What double standard? (No, I seriously do think it's messed up on both accounts.)

Other reasons to dislike Beyonce:

Her name is Beyonce... (which is Creole by the way... Thats like White Trailer Trash French)
Shes dropped her original band mates twice now, so you know she's a good person.
Her second concert tour was called "The Beyonce Experience"
Let me sum up the Beyonce Experience from an interview I saw with her once.
"Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Im amazing! Let's talk about my signing and acting careers. Enough about me, let's talk about Sasha Fierce!"
In her commercial for American Express she goes on and on about how important her family is to her with her busy schedule and it is so important that SHE be the one to buy her nephew's souvenir boomerang while in Australia and keeps telling people who offer to buy it for her that no its important that she do it... and then at the end she buys it on-line.... So American Express isn't everywhere you want to be, the Inter-net is. And Beyonce sucks.

Anyone remember when Ann Hache claimed she had been abducted by aliens and was part alien and could speak their alien language? Anyone wanna guess what would happen to Brent Augustus if he made such a claim? Bet I wouldn't get a movie with Harrison Ford and my own ABC TV series called Women in Trees.

In short, Beyonce may have a split personality or just use an alter ego as a copping mechanism for emboldening and charging herself into doing things she otherwise wouldn't have the guts to do. A place she can direct negative criticism and blame for failures, but in the end she is still the one who took her shirt off for the CD cover and if not then wow she's sure good at spending Sasha's money.

My hoodie draw-string

2008-12-11T13:15:00.000-08:00

To: The person who stole the draw string from my hoodie,

One: I am going to change my font from Arial to Times New Roman so you will know this is a serious matter that demands the kind of respect only Times New Roman can lend. With that said, I know you are out there and I hate you. Further, I wish you ill and cannot be held responsible for what I do to you when I find you. Reason being, I don't know if you are a stranger, a co-worker, someone I am close with, family etc... so I don't know how deeply wounded I will actually be when I discover you.
I can only assume you work in my building as I clearly remember having my draw-string and cinching my hoodie down on the walk in, then around lunch time I went to tug on my little security blanket to maybe thumb it, or idly suck on the end (yes Im one of THOSE people!) only to find, for horror, my draw string was gone!

I can also assume you are a big fat jerk with no regard for common decency!

Oh, gone are the days of twisting my draw string around my finger so tightly the end would go numb and purple while sifting through spread sheets or picking apart Time-Weighted Performance Reports. Gone are the memories of spinning you around like a boat prop and hitting myself in the eye. Oh cruel world! Why hast thou, and thine servants of evil jokery, dealteth me such an emotionally crippling blow!

Mr. Practical-joker, Mr. Cruel-intentions, your carelessness has consequences! It affects the lives of people, ok?! You think the draw string for a 1985 Nintendo World Champion hoodie can just be replaced?! What? Really? I can just BUY a drawstring at JoAnn's? Its the principle of the matter, ok!?!?! Will that new draw-string have the Nintendo logo stamped into the end of it? Will it be I WILL FIND YOU!

Grand Theft Auto Provo Utah Edition

2008-12-08T09:00:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while... I want to run from the cops. Ever get that feeling? No? Im the only one? Come on, someone agree with me, I know you're out there!
This is the reason I had to stop playing the video game Grand Theft Auto. Now don't get confused here, the two have nothing to do with each other really... Let me break it apart for you.

Pull up your story time carpet mat and let me reminisce.
I have ran from the cops multiple times, mostly at like 2am while toilet papering police cars in front of their houses because their daughter dumped me for no reason... or while creating other mid-night mischief, and you suddenly get that feeling, and everyone freezes, and then right around that corner, behind the bush, you can see that white crown-vic just sitting, and you're pretty sure the engine is running. So what do you do? Stay? Wait? Umm no, you all run in different directions like cockroaches who have just had the light turned on them! And thats when the real fun starts!

PREFACE: I've ditched out of a few tickets while driving way too fast and other random mischief. I would NEVER do something that would require the Police to even look at me these days! But we all know that wasn't always the case, so I share my wisdom for entertainment purposes only! (I havent had a ticket in over a year! But I did get two tickets that same day... But one was thrown out in court on account of me being awesome!)

Brent's tips for running from the Police...
Disclaimer: Brent L Augustus does not condone or encourage running from the Police or otherwise interfering with police officers (community nazi soldiers). This blog post is for educational and entertainment purposes only. Further more we remind you that Blogspot.com, Blogger.com, and Google corp. are in no way affiliated with nor supportive of the ideas and concepts of Brent L. Augustus or his blog.

Don't run from the Police... unless it is absolutely necessary. What?

Don't run from the Police in the snow! Deer hunters love snow for one reason... TRACKS.

Right before the cop is about to tackle you, drop to the ground in a ball and let them trip over you, then get up and run in a different direction. If this method fails, try this method a second time, they will never see it coming! If this still fails you are now SCREWED and will be tazed bro! Good luck.

Bail out of the car in an apartment complex, make your way into a stair well and take off your jacket, then as the cop approaches, exit the stairwell putting on your jacket while faking a conversation on a cell phone about how you will be there in a minute and act surprised. Do NOT go back to your car.

Don't try to escape over a guard rail and down a hill, it will end with a dislocated appendage and in a bush... I can feel storms a-comin' in that leg I tells ya.

When a cop asks you "Why were you running?" dont reply "I wasn't", or "I don't know" nor should you reply "Because I hate pigs." The best reply is....
"You never said you were a cop! When someone is chasing you don't ask questions, you run!"

So on a semi-related note and the title of this blog post, I had to stop playing Grand Theft Auto 3 like two weeks after it came out in 2003. I HAD to stop because I was getting pretty daring in my driving, making a lot of people mad and one day a cop pulled out in front of me on Orem State Street and my honest first reaction was to floor it and ram him! (This was years ago)... and that was when I decided I probably shouldn't play that game anymore, or ever again.

That and I considered running over a prostitute and taking her money...

I don't run from or hit cops anymore. Driving and living are privileges I would like to keep these days (I use to be less concerned)!

But man what a thrill a good chase is!

Michael Jackson turns black!!!

2008-12-01T11:42:00.000-08:00

Is Michael Jackson turning black again???? You be the judge.

Nov 2008

Remember when Michael Jackson was black? No seriously he was! Way back before he started hiding in children's closets, under their beds, and in the boiler room's of schools full time.

"It don't matter if you're black or white!"

The famous Michael Jackson song lyric made us all question where we stand on racial issues... but Michael was so determined to make a point that he under-went (is that a word? Anyone?) countless surgeries to adapt and implement cross racial facial features in a variety and configuration that would make Mr. AND Mrs. Potato Head green with envy! The result was all standardized application processes that ask for "Race" must now include a box marked "OTHER" and he has proudly earned the right to check that box! In fact he might be the only human being who can! (fact check note: Remind self to reference Michael Jackson against criteria to qualify as human being for blog post)

They say it's impossible for plastic surgery to turn a black person white but how else do you explain that he turned white at the same time he combined every race in the world on his face?

Further more, how do we explain that he is now turning black again? I don't know how, but the Obama campaign is involved somehow.

Turkey Tips - Turducken

2008-11-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

THANKSGIVING FUN FACT:
CARIBOU has more Tryptophan than Turkey!
I ate some Caribou in 1992 and I just woke up. Wow AOL is on like Version 32.5!

Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all some pie! What am I most Thankful for? You! My friends anf family! So Happy Thanksgiving day!
Thanksgiving day... hear that? DAY, not just lunch or dinner, but DAY. It is a day long event, a marathon of eating. It should just be called EATING-DAY.

I do love a well roasted, salty turkey smothered in home-made gravy.
That was until the deep fried turkey smothered in gravy came along.
But that was no good enough so some genius, who I will dub Saint Thanksgiving, decided it can still be better!

So here is my number one tip: STUFF THE TURKEY with whatever you have laying around that is tasty! What's that? You have a Turkey and some bacon AND a Duck AND a Chicken??? Well my friend, you now have the Thanksgiving feast... The Tur-Duck-En!

The tur-duck-en is the worlds most delicious crime against nature!
Tur-duck-ens were a feared and famed creature of the early american natives, hunted for it's beautiful feathers and multiple heads, but feared for it's skills in magic, temper and claws that could rip a man to shreds. The Tur-duck-en would hunt the children of villages and eat them by the dozen, which also gave it a very tasty white meat which made it the dish of choice for feasts if you could manage to kill one while it slept perched in a Gregorian Doom Tree where it sat all day eating Indian and Pilgrim children!
.... what?... Im serious!

Thanksgiving was invented by the American Natives who would send the teen-aged children into the wild to fight the evil Tur-duck-en's with nothing more than a dull pocket knife. Those who survived and killed the Tur-duck-en returned with it on a spit and the village would feast in Thanksgiving of the bounty. If no one came back then the parents would feast anyway and send offerings to the Tur-duck-en's in Thanksgiving they didn't have to listen to them whine all winter.

Nowadays Tur-duck-en's are all but extinct and the few remaining live on reservations collecting government wellfare repairations and operating casino's. Bottom line you have to creatively engineer your own, either in a lab, or the old fashioned way!

Brent's Famous Tur-duck-en
Take a small chicken and wrap it in bacon, then stuff it with your favorite stuffins and shove that chicken all up in the Duck's bizness. Now wrap the Duck in bacon, salt and pepper and shove him all up in the Turkey's bizness.
Now don't forget to marinade them BEFORE you get things started... a few cups of wine and by the time you come back to open the cage to kill them they will have done all the work themselves! Now all you have to do is load the 40lbs thing into the oven.

If you want a regular Turkey then I give you...

Tip 2: WINE, then Dine.
A Drunk turkey is easier to catch, and has a harder time getting out of the roasting bag.
This also acts as an internal marinade!

Do not offer the turkey any "Wild Turkey" as this actually engages them as a sign of Turkey oppression! Instead start off with a Merlot and then move to Tequila and try not to mention you are planning on eating your new drinking pal tomorrow.

Turkey: "Of course man, I'll hide in that oven for ya, ya know why? Cause we're bro's man, and I would do anything for one of my bro's! Cause that's what bro's do, they listen to each other, ya know? It's like Bro's before ... other stuff. Right? I love you man."
Brent: "That's right, here eat some more of this Stove Top before you take that nap in the oven and seriously, don't be jumping out of there if it starts getting warm this year, that's just the heat vent under the stove. More wine?"

Turkey Day!

2008-11-24T10:02:00.000-08:00

We as Americans have a proud tradition of eating the ugly animals and keeping the cute ones around! It is what this country was founded on! And thus we started out by forming a holiday based on this guideline. National Eat a Turkey Day!

Think about it: We eat Cows, Turkeys, Pigs, Pork, Bacon, Ham... What? The same animal you say? Yeah riiight, a wonderful magical animal! Back to the point, we do not eat Kittens, Dolphins, Seals, and Otters.... We might be missing out on another holiday feast here!
Eat an Otter-Day coming March 2009. We needed a reason to like March...
Now I have another thought... If Turkey's are so tasty, why do we only eat them once a year? I mean they make good lunch meat, but I'm pretty sure most of us would rather eat ham than turkey on the other 364 days of the year... And Im pretty sure I will eat massive amounts of a lot of things on Thursday, unholy amounts of somethings, but if there is turkey I will only have a little dark meat.

Now if you're anything like me, you live for this day 364 days a year. Well if so, you need to train, like the Olympics...

Brent's Training tips:

Stretch! Eat a handful of dry minute rice and one pack of uncooked Ramen noodles followed by 20oz of liquid. This will cause the stomach to expand there by increasing the capacity to hold more. Eventually you will be able to eat two packs of uncooked Ramen. The goal is to get up to three packs and 40 oz of liquid. You should be able to do this around midnight Wednesday before Turkey Day and then eat nothing until the main event! With the exception of a few stolen morsels here and then to get your acid factories producing and your metabolism primed.

Maternity pants easily become your Turkey Eating pants! Choose a pair that are blue denim so they cannot be identified under your roomiest T-shirt. They should also have stretch in the denim as well as a full tummy panel for maximum load and leg bloating should the gravy have a high salt content.

Pace yourself. You do not win the Boston Marathon by sprinting or you will find yourself being passed by the elderly once you tire out. You must set a quick but steady pace right off the bat!

Potato's are the enemy! My brother inlaw Ben taught me this valuable lesson "Potato's are the enemy of the all you can eat buffet." While potatoes are very tasty, they are a filler that wreck your short-term metabolism. Potato's should only be used to fill in the cracks of space at the very end of a meal if the dessert event is a goodly amount of time away.

Coming soon...(Maybe Wednesday) Brent's Turkey Roasting Tips...

BTW Nov 14th is National Eat some Steak day. Oh is that my birthday??? How abouts that.

XOXO

One more in the oven.

2008-11-20T07:38:00.000-08:00

When you are dating all you hear is "So when are you guys going to get married?"
Then you get married and all you hear is "So when are you going to have kids?" I use to love to reply to this question with statements like "We're not because Im sterile ok?" There isn't much a person can say back to that but it educates them about where the social boundary is. You think we're close enough for you to be asking? Ok try this on for size "Well we were hopeful that Viagra would help but so far it's not looking too good."

Then you have one and people ask "When's number two coming? Hey I thought you were shooting blanks..." And then after a few kids they are like all "When are you two getting divorced? Who has to take the kids?"

Then you have 3 in 4 years and people say "Don't you know what causes that?" Um yeah we're pretty sure it's holding hands that causes it, just like they use to warn me about on the playground in 2nd grade! I should have listened! Wait I use to play on the monkey bars with the girls.... I wonder how many playground babies I have graduating highschool this year...

So how many are we going to have? Always, at least one more.

In hind sight here is what we should have done. 6-tuplets. 6 kids all at once, one shot, done! Hear me out now. If you have 6 kids spread over 8 to 10 years people just think you are a crazy Mormon who hasn't heard of birth control (we have... and we're on number 3), but if you have 6 in one shot??? It's a blessing from the lord, you go on Oprah and get free things, college 529 Plans, commercials with Huggies, DuPont carpet, Dodge Caravan etc... and Ty Pennington would build you a mansion paid for in full! The free swag would never end! Plus they would all be in the same grade, 18 years and you're done! If you have 6 over 10 years... thats 26 years to finished! That's a dime difference! Thats parole for good behavior is what that is! Time served son!

Now if one of those 6 comes out the wrong color... You get a free paternity test on Maury Povich!

Gossip Girl

2008-11-17T13:03:00.000-08:00

Ya know what... I love Gossip Girl and I dont care who knows it!

I always thought it looked like a really racy, sleazy show, but that was just what they wanted people to think. I was accidentally exposed to an episode and got sucked in, and by accidentally I mean I was changing channels and the TV stopped on Gossip Girl for the next 58 minutes while I was somehow unable / unwilling to get off the couch to change the channel... Whataya gonna do, right? Bottom line it's now one of the shows that Im waiting for the next new episode every week, it is set to record the entire season on out HTPC (DVR (Tivo)).

It's like a more elite, east-coast, darker version of The O.C. without the annoying girl with a man voice (Mishka Barton, I hated her. And I blame M. Night Shyamalan for her as she was the little girl who gets poisoned in The 6th Sense).

Now, for some reason, everyone is like in love with the lead girl "Sarena"... Once again I don't get it...
Like ok she's cute, but was she grown in the Rene Zellweger lab?

I mean come on, its like they grew Rene and threw her in the spot-light with Tom Cruise and then she was a failed experiment so they tried again and came out with the new model "Ellen Pompeo" AKA Meredeth Grey of Grey's Anatomy.

And then she failed expectations and started making Rene Zellweger faces (like how all robots become self aware and kill their human creators and go on a rampage and end up ruling the world)

So now we have the third installment and people make a big deal about how shes SO beautiful and how the lab finally got it right and she's like the perfect woman and I go... Yawn: "Seriously?"

Dont get me wrong, anytime the girl next door can steal the lime light from the model types, I am all for it, but let's not go crazy here and I mean for one she has no eyes...

If the Joey Tribiani school of acting taught us anything it should be that squinting does not equal faking emotion in acting! Or maybe I just take issue with people who dont have eyes? What are they hiding?!?!

As usual, I identify with both the quiet nice guy AND the super cool evil guy! Go figure, right? Chuck Bass (seen on the left) is sleuth disturbed awesomeness, he reminds me of me at that age only he has money and girls and self confidence and a fashion sense and a limo, but I totally use to play squash too!
Dan Humphreys (seen on the right) is a less witty, less funny, less interesting, less nerdy and yet less cool version of Seth (Adam Brodie) from The O.C. and since his girl friend is the above over-rated fem-bot...

Once again producers and writters get it wrong and the secondary characters become the most interesting and well liked of the story line.

If you're looking for something to fill the hollow void October Road and One Tree Hill the good years has left, fill it with GOSSIP GIRL! Or if you just want to reclaim some of the impulsive selfish "he said she said" teenage drama we all pretend to be soo happy we don't have to deal with anymore... Do it vicariously with Gossip Girl!

XOXO

Hey Crack and Coke Heads!

2008-11-10T21:45:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you watch CNN or listen to AM Talk Radio much...I'm addicted.

Speaking of addicted... There is a company who makes an OTC (Over the counter... I know I should just say Over The Counter instead of the Abv. if Im going to take the time to type it out anyway. That's another blog right there.)...
What was I saying? Oh yes, there is a company who makes an OTC supplement that is to help people get off of opiates, crack, cocaine, heroin or alcohol without the embarrassment of having to involve a Dr. etc...
I have two questions:

One, most of the addicts I've known aren't exactly the most shy people in the world... They would just as soon tell a Dr., a police man, a judge and a priest they are using as I would wear a black belt with brown shoes, but that's another blog right there...

Which brings us to question 2:
CRACK AND COKE HEADS...

Really?

You guys watch CNN and listen to AM Talk Radio?!
We have SO much in common!
We should totally have like a weekly forum to just like sit around and talk about politics and current event n'stuff!

Thoughts about our country

2008-11-05T12:43:00.000-08:00

The following editorial will be printed in the Post and Mail News Paper, Columbia City Indiana

Having given thought to the days and years ahead of us I can't help but think: Whichever side wins the other side won't accept it and further disunite our States of America by denouncing our president elect. There will be protest and public outrage. Our forefathers and grandparents who have passed before us, the ones who use to show up at polling stations in church dress for their solemn duty, the very same who have and sacrificed throughout the ages, giving their material means, time, talents, and their own lives to our country that freedom may endure, not just the freedom here in the home land, but freedom of those around the world, that MEN may be free regardless of the nation on which they stand. Those same forefathers will watch from the other side of death's veil with sadness at what we have become and wonder what they forget to teach us about patriotism. And so we will slip a little further into the last days as has been prophesied and as must happen to pave the way for the second coming.

If only these "United" States in which we live were in tune with our savior and creator. If only we were capable of emulating Christ's attributes; like meekness and patience. If only we were compassionate and mild as the lamb of God, and yet tolerated no unclean thing and were passionate in throwing the merchants and animals from the temple. What would this world be like if instead of outrage against anyone who doesn't think the way we think, or vote the way we vote, were respectful and cautiously optimistic, ready to rally behind our leaders. We have become a nation who only wants the things we want and do not want to demonstrate personal control, experience anything unpleasant, or hear anything negative, unless we are the one's saying it.
We are a nation of removed morals and true patriotism. We have become a nation where if or when we go to church and the ministry preaches a doctrine of discipline, control, personal accountability and divine judgement, we are offended and call for them to be replaced with a less "radical" ministry who will preach a more positive message free of judgement for sin.

I remember as a young teen being personally offended and unexpectedly emotional the first time I heard an adult I admired speak about the President as "MR." rather than "President", saying "He's not MY president". I could not understand how a someone who claims citizenship of this country could spit in the face of our democracy so. I will never agree 100% of the time on 100% of the issues with anyone, but I was raised to respect those who dedicate their lives to their causes, the men and women who sacrifice their time and efforts for others, political or otherwise. I can no more reject ANY office holder of the presidency then I can or would denounce my citizenship in this great country of ours.
However imperfect the leaders or the system may be, our government of the people, by the people and for the people is without a doubt the best in the world. I for one feel an overwhelming sense of pride and gratitude I cannot explain when I think about the efforts and lives men and women have freely sacrificed to secure this great land we now live in. The word sacrifice comes from the old latin sacrificium which means to make holy or sacred through great effort or cost. How do we pay homage to those sacrifices made that we may exist today? Do we ever show respect anymore or is the requirement for respecting our leadership they stand under the same party flag as we do? Are we the proverbial child who takes their ball and goes home if they don't win? Or are we adult enough to stand united in patriotic duty?

As we move forward, whoever wins the presidential election, I would encourage everyone to take a moment to think on my words and ponder what it means to be an American. What it means to be patriotic. Earnestly think about how we pay homage to our country and show our respect for our government. If we cannot stand United, then divided we will fall. May the later not be the case is my prayer.

Brent L Augustus

Madonna??? MANdonna!

2008-11-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

This one goes out to my good friend Tina who is going to see Mandonna in like 16 days, I haven't checked her white board lately.

I don't really need to go into detail here. The pictures are enough...
But I will go into detail here.

Mandonna... Sorry I meant Mandonna... What's up with my keyboard it won't let me type anything but MANdonna? Oh well.... Mandonna was once a fashion icon, for some reason? During that dark time of humanity called the 80's...

And as usually happens when you sell your soul to Satan for fame and fortune, he gets bored and backs out on the deal. I mean come on he is Satan, the father of lies, the fallen son, lord of all evil and such.
Ok, so now that he totally owns you, you begin the decent into becoming another of his twisted demonic looking leathery creature pets.

If you are really lucky you get a position in his cabinet or Royal Guard!

I've totally seen this picture of Madonna before, but where... where....
Oh yes! Here it is!

I for one think she's on roids (steroids) to become a man, and THAT'S why Guy Richie really divorced him.... I mean it.
As horrible as it may be to say, Mandonna has had her current appearance coming for YEAR's and she should do what any other respectable muscle bound woman in her 50's does... Become a lumber Jack in the Yukon!

Wait I can do better... Become an American Gladiator!

No I can still do better... Become Governor of California!

That'll do.

(If she had ever done a single thing in her career that was respectable or contributed to the betterment of humanity, I might be nicer. But I don't have to worry about that! But still I aint a total hater, I have my fair share of madonnatory favorite Madonna songs like... Ummm... there that one song about... Well I seem to remember this song... no.... hmmmm...)

ELECTION RESPONSIBILITY

2008-10-30T09:56:00.001-07:00

Just a note about a method of weighting candidates: POLL'S ARE USELESS

Polls are useless unless it is measuring a candidate against YOU, and only YOU can conduct that poll!

I posted a thread about partial birth abortion speaking to a candidates character and how it weighs on my priorities of basis.
I do firmly believe you need to look at the whole of a person not just a single issue.
But you cannot make a Pro vs. Con list with out weighting the issues and giving some things more weight than others of lesser importance to you. For me I weight a candidates stand on a moral issue more than where they stand on say Social Security or Taxes, but it would be ridiculous for me to vote for anyone based on one thing and I won't do that.
That is the point I was driving at, which was easily lost in my rant about abortion. Come on if you know me at all, you know I get off topic of the main point and rant 10 paragraphs on a bullet point.

So...
How do you make a Weighted Pro vs Con model? You rank issues by their importance to you and your ideals. Is the environment more important to you than war? is war more important than taxes?

Example might look like this:
Abortion + or - 3
Social Security + or - 1
War + or - 3
Drilling / Energy + or - 1
Environment + or - 1
Taxes + or - 2
(This is a complicated one as for a candidate to win me over on taxes I have to look at their plans for Capital Gains Taxes, Credits and Cuts / Increases, Death and Estate taxes etc...)

And so on.... I would urge everyone to weight BOTH candidates against their ideals. Rank importance of your ideals BEFORE you start comparing candidates against your model and see how close they come. You might be surprised to find how close they both are to you.

Tina Fey Palin

2008-10-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

Tina Palin...

I love Tina Fey! Seriously I do, she's hilarious, not to mention a talented writter.
Now recently she has been living a double life as a Secret Service Agent as the death double for Sarah Palin (thats the twin who get's shot and dies to protect the really important person).

Like in Star Wars when Natalie Portman dies and you think it was the Queen (Amadala?) but it was really her double (Padimae?). Man George Lucas is also talented!

I heard from unreliable sources (that I like to quote a lot) that last week Sarah Palin was actually in the hospital dying from a gun shot wound to the head, it seems she wasn't wearing hunter's orange during Moose Season opening in Alaska last week, and Tina Fey covered for her on the campaign trail! AND to make sure no one thought anything fishey was going on, she even played both parts of the real (fake) Sarah Palin AND Tina Fey pretending to be Sarah Palin on SNL (Ala'Hayley Mills in the Parent Trap). THAT'S why the two of them were never seen together in the same skit that week!

My only problem with Tina's character of Gov. Palin is she sounds like a Snow Mexican (South Canadian near Minnesota) and she looks more like Sarah Palin when she isn't in character. When she's in character she looks like someone sucked the blood out of Sarah Palin and she's just a walking corpse............ like John McCain.

(I wonder how much Tina's clothes cost...)

"Say hello to your mother for me"

I PROMISE

2008-10-28T09:21:00.000-07:00

I PROMISE no more political blogs until next election!

How do you judge a candidate?

2008-10-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

We have 1 week before we are all called to cast our vote on one of the most imporant choices our country has made in a long time. Given that I think we all owe it to our country and children to research multiple views points and make an educated decicion. I have a great deal I love and hate about both candidates and I think I have tapped into a line of thought in considering our presidential candidates that not many other people have considered. Obviously I feel it to be pretty important.

I was talking with people in my office about McCain's running mate (Gov. Sarah Palin) and a few other election topics. One of their arguments was that Sarah Palin's husband is an oil worker and she sat on an oil oversight board and they only have interest in destroying the environment and making oil profits. Another co-worker said he would simply vote for whoever would lower the price of gas. Suddenly something clicked for me. "Where are your priorities?" I ranked my priorities and found I could break "political" life issues into categories.

Priority One: Spiritual and Moral issues (First God and Religion and LIFE)
Priority Two: Worldly / Temporal / Welfare (The world we live in)
Priority Three: Material & Wealth AKA everything else AKA the silly things that don't matter

So if I look at both candidates from my first priority of Spiritual and Moral basis the most obvious important issue is the sacred nature of life: The Democratic presidential and vice pres. nominees have perfect voting records for abortion and partial birth abortion and voting against anything that would put restrictions on any form of abortion. Sen. Obama states that the question of when life's begins is "above his pay grade" and further stated in reference to his daughters "if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby". If THEY make a MISTAKE, not if they are raped or their health is in danger. Just call the baby a mistake and abort it and move one?
Just words? Just Speeches?

The Illinois Born Alive Infants Protection Act was introduced in 2001 to provide legal protection to all born babies, wanted or not, including the right to medical care once birthed, regardless of the reason and or means behind labor and or delivery.

Let us cover some terms and facts.
Born is defined by the infants head exiting the opening, regardless of the body still being in the birth canal.
Late term of partial term abortion: when labor is induced until the infant is in the birth canal and then they are held in place with a clamp so they don't accidentally get born while a steel rod is shoved through the top of their head into their brain in an attempt to kill them so they aren't born alive. That's right… Accidentally BORN.

According to the American Medical Association: an infant who's gestational age is 22-27 weeks has a 20-25% chance at living (31% depending on birth weight factors).

NOTE: A baby who is 27 weeks in the state of Illinois can be denied medical help if the mother has requested so through her partial birth abortion.

This brings up the question of, "Oh who are we to say when life begins... Well if a 22 week old fetus can be born and survive it's probably at the LEAST 22 weeks. At 12 weeks they have a beating heart and move their arms, legs and hands and can swallow on their own. Sounds life like.... So if we dont "KNOW" when life begings don't we have a responsibility to error on the side of caution?

Let me be crystal clear. Partial birth abortion should be illegal. If the mothers life is in danger, then INDUCTION should be performed and every possible effort given to save the baby's life. Not just attempt to kill them on the way out, how is that in the interest of the mothers health.

In the state of Illinois, and many others, if the mother has signed off on induced-abortion, the children who are born alive, in spite of the abortion effort, are placed in sheets and left in bio-hazard waste rooms in laundry baskets or on shelves until they have died of "natural causes". They are issued both BIRTH and death certificates, yet denied the hypocratic right extended to all other human beings of taking every possible measure to protect life. Birth Certificate! Acknowledging they were a born life. They are left for dead because at that point they cannot terminate the child, they can only with-hold medical assistance.

Again the procedure is done with the intent of terminating the fetus rather than make every effort to help them survive and see what happens.

Senator Barack Obama voted against Born Alive 4 times in 3 years and was the ONLY senator to speak against it on the Senate floor in 2001 and 2002.

In 2002, the Federal version of Born Alive passed unanimously in the US Senate and by overwhelming voice vote in the House. The pro-abortion group NARAL even went neutral on the bill.
In 2003, Barack Obama voted against the identical version of Born Alive in Illinois. Then, for the next 4 years he repeatedly misrepresented his vote until it was recently discovered in the IL General Assembly archives. He has also voted against or "present" on various other abortion acts and bills. His explanation being that the Bill didn't have a provision for the mother's health.

Where is the provision for the infant child?

Let's forget that the child has been born, let's not allow for consideration of giving medical help to that now accidentally born child and error on the side of caution for the aborters...
After all it is above Sen. Obama's pay grade to comment on when life begins.

Fact: Sen Obama has never once voted in favor of any abortion Act or Bill that would restrict abortion in any form.

When Gov. Sarah Palin found out her unborn child would be born with disabilities the Dr. told her abortion was an option, she chastised the Dr. saying that abortion was NOT an option and went full term delivering the baby.

John McCain didn't have to give a second thought when asked when life begins, his answer was unrehearsed and simple "At Conception"

Abortion is the taking of human life and, in my opinion, is the single most horrific and damning thing humanity has ever engaged in. There is nothing more horrid than the slaughter of a fetus in-side the womb of the mother God has charged to protect. So why does moral responsibility extend only to the murder of trees and worry about carbon foot print and turn a blind eye when a Dr. rips a 6 month old infant fetus into the mothers birth canal, shove a steel rod into it's brain, scramble it around, then pull it out onto a table and let it lay there to die?

A politician who will protect partial birth abortion claiming it's the mother's choice, is a politician who will do anything. You don't get less moral than enabling the death of millions of children. When Hitler's Nazi's experimented with partial birth abortions in pregnant Jewish women it was called Infantcide, now we call it Roe vs. Wade; the mother's right to choose.

Carbon foot-prints? Who is worrying about the tiny bloody foot prints of infants and their right to life?
The price of Gas? What is the price of the human life of a baby?

Are you worried about the fact that we went into Iraq and removed a government who's police and military were known for rapping and killing women and children?
Our government is allowing the murder of 2 million babies a year in our own hospitals! 1 million of which have been late term / partial birth abortions! Where is the moral responsibility now?

Mr. Obama take a look at this picture of my 20 week old unborn son's ultrasound below and tell me your pay grade doesn't allow you to decide when life begins. Look at him and tell me its ok to abort him a month from now and leave him in a laundry basket to die.
I for one have a first priority and responsibility to answer to God and Jesus Christ who died so you and I, and those murdered infants might live again. I think I'm a little concerned about what, if any, moral character a person has who protects the "right" to murder babies. 2 million babies each year in the U.S. Go on tell me that's not a life...

To quote my wife:
"What do I care most about? Which issues are most vital to my children's social, moral, and spiritual survival — and which candidate is more likely to uphold my view on those issues?If Social Security collapses, we'll probably manage to get by. If nobody can agree on what to do about immigration reform, the chances are we'll be okay. If we stay or go in Iraq and Afghanistan, our way of life will most likely go on and democracy can only spread.
But if more judges decide that the people don't really know what they're talking about — if more doctors are allowed to take more innocent lives – if we as a people loose the sanctity of life — if I lose my freedom to teach my children the sanctity of and the truth about what life and marriage are and should be — then we just might be in trouble. "

If you take no other history lesson from The Bible, let it be that civilizations who blindly open the gates of immoral crimes against humanity are destroyed. We need leaders with moral conviction who will fight for morals and I can think of no greater bench mark to measure someone's character and ideas of what morals are than their stand and voting record on abortion. I can think of NOTHING more vial and disgusting than the practice of abortion. If looking at the below picture in joint with the description of a partial birth abortion doesn't sicken / enrage you, there is something wrong and this country is in worse shape than I can believe.

An Illinois Nurse's battle against Obama on behalf of the Born Alive Acthttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIdbYjmbFzo

A great video done by the Catholic church, very well done. I urge you to watch it and replace the word Catholic with Christian.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqzMB-gA6Ro

Now I dare you to share this with everyone you know. I just did.

Total known reported abortions worldwide as of 2007: 960,851,582
Total known reported abortions in the U.S.A. as of 2007: 50,212,750
(Brent Jr. 20 weeks)

Additional figures:

Since 1973 there have been 50,212,750 abortions in the Unites States alone
(1,040,212 of which were late term / partial birth abortions)
(Total Military deaths in Iraq 4,500)

In 2007:
33% of U.S. abortions were given to women ages 20-24
17% of U.S. abortions were given to girls ages 13-19
3% of abortions were late-term / partial birth abortions
(650,000 children a year)
65% of abortions were given to un-married mothers
73% of women who choose abortion cite the lack ability / means or desire for responsibility of a child as the deciding factor
46% of women who obtain abortions were not using contraceptives the month they got pregnant.

Total known reported abortions worldwide as of 2007: 960,851,582

Resources:
http://www.johnstonsarchive.net/policy/abortion/index.html

Finer LB and Henshaw SK, Disparities in rates of unintended pregnancy in the United States, 1994 and 2001, Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 2006, 38(2):90–96.

Jones RK et al., Abortion in the United States: incidence and access to services, 2005, Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 2008, 40(1):6–16.

Darroch JE and Henshaw SK, Patterns in the socioeconomic characteristics of women obtaining abortions in 2000–2001, Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 2002, 34(5):226–235.

Jones RK et al., Repeat abortion in the United States, Occasional Report, New York: Guttmacher Institute, 2006, No. 29.

As Seen on Brent's Blog!

2008-10-21T08:28:00.000-07:00

People don't read my blogs for my political views, or my theories on ghosts etc...
They read my blogs because I have this gift for excitedly ranting about the most random crap you never would have thought of! So while the tertiary 2nd Edition of my Ghost theory is forthcoming, I give you the world of MARKETABLE POOP!

I have found that when you wake up at 4am with food poisoning (which Blaine tells me I cannot file legal action against Macy for...) there is a whole world of blog fodder on. Things like the OutSiders, and Tony Little's Gazelle info-mercial, I dont want to think about exercise at 4 PM let alone 4 AM. Why is the middle of the night the best time to advertise exercise contraptions? There is also no less than 250,812 Billy May's products of wonder for sale at any given moment between the hours of 10pm and 5am. I don't know if any of you know who Billy Mays is but you will recognize his dyed face for sure!

He is the guy who gave us OXY-CLEAN and KABOOM! Which gets things so clean so fast you will swear you heard Billy himself yell KABOOM! In fact you will even hear it when you are not cleaning like in the middle of the night when his ghost haunts your bathroom attacking mildew and grout stains and soap scum.... and... KABOOM! Wow that is fun.

Oh and Orange-Glo which smells kinda like a Dream-cicle but dont be sucked in it still tastes like pledge which does NOT taste like lemon-pie, it taste like Windex......... What?

For a list of about 100 pointless things he markets click here. Things like ZORBEEZ the absorbent towels. Ya know until this genius came along I was using the NON-Absorbent towels... He has done humanity a favor in educating people about the need for absorbency in our towels. We owe him BIG TIME.

I recently came across this little gem while looking for snow blowers.

I recently came across this little gem while looking for snow blowers.
According to the manufacture the WOVEL out performs snow blowers!
It is designed for easy LIFTING of snow and balances on that wheel-chair wheel there, stolen from the special Olympics, so old people can tip over and break their hip. Turn to channel 21-3 for the "Help I've fallen and I can't get up" lady.

I swear the WOVEL'S were a Saturday morning cartoon show.
Ya know the song? "Wovels... Wovels... Come along with the Wovel's... Play along with the Wovel's... So much to shovel! When you're out with your Wovel... Come along with the... Play along with the... Sing a song with the WOVEL'S!!!"

Ghosts 1st Edition

2008-10-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

Im excited about this one!

Ok so tis the season for ghost stories and as such I am going to do a series (yes my first SERIES) of blogs about the subject. I am not sure how I am going to approach the subject but it should be fun. So let us jump right on with...
GHOSTS Real or Really Not Real? Vote over on the right hand side of the blog.

In my 27 years I have seen some crazy stuff that leaves me with zero doubt that there are in fact ghost's / an therefore an afterlife. I have been a party witness to things that some would label "super-natural" so as not to admit there is an afterlife, God etc...

As a christian this bring up an interesting line of thought. If there are ghosts and therefore an afterlife that would generally imply there is a God / creator / father of man and spirit. I am going to pose a question and I seriously want some comments back on this.

QUESTION: How does a christian reconcile God, our heavenly father, being all powerful and in control of all things, allow those who have passed from mortality to reach through the veil between worlds and interact with our plain of existence in any manner, friendly or unfriendly?

I might theorise that by allowing such interaction he gives opportunity of witness of the afterlife and therefore knowledge and conviction for some who might otherwise be forever on the fence.

This might bring about a number of questions such as:
Why don't all ghosts have the ability to interact with us?
Why can't they interact with all things?
Why can't they communicate directly?
Why aren't they interacting with their direct descendants?

Possible answers:
Maybe it's like the movie "The Others" and they are just as freaked out when they come in contact with us and can never actually see us...
Maybe they tell "Still Living People Stories" around the campfire...
Maybe it's just an anomaly in the universe? A sudden random difference or arrangement of atmospheric and material space that suddenly is conducive for a thinning of the veil between plains of existence allowing accidental interaction, without the active party(s) even realizing it is interacting with the passive party(s) in most cases.

Did I just blow your mind? I totally did huh! Cause I totally blew my own mind... Whoa....

Next Edition???
I'll share one of my ghost stories and compare the believer's and worldly scientific theory to prove / disprove.

Now I want some comments on if you believe in ghosts and how you reconcile their interaction with the living!!! NOW COMMENT AWAY!

What would I take to an island

2008-10-08T10:09:00.000-07:00

You know those horrible team building activities "What would you take to a desert island?"
Well if it were a DESSERTED ISLAND I would take a spoon and Macy's maternity pants...
"These are my dessert island eating pants!"
Read until it makes funny sense... Now how many tries did it take to pick up on?

Now for a desert island... if I knew I was going I would take a spare plane, an extra couple of parachutes for everyone, a giant life raft, some serious guns to shoot polar bears with (I love LOST) a bunch of extra food for like a couple of months and a satellite phone with GPS, my laptop and some DVD's to watch... Maybe like the entire series of 24, Smallville, etc... Oh and some power generators and power tools to make a sweeeet hut/house.

Now if it were for a vacation... see my ending to my last post.

If it were unexpected...

There are a couple of possible problems. Either the island will be the secret hideout of a wacked-out mad scientist who is cloning cross breeds of animal like Bear-Rats and Pig-Dogs with multiple heads but no butts chasing you down to try and kill you (see how angry an animal you'd be with two heads and no butt), or it would be owned by a crazy rich guy who is going to hunt you down for sport... or it's a haunted island full of crazy hunting mist creatures... or a tribe of 14 year old's are going to hunt you down while chanting 'kill the pig' (you ARE the pig).
No matter how you look at this, landing on an island is bad, you are screwed!

"S-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-t on u-u-u-u-u-u-u-us or d-i-i-i-i-i-e !"

So I guess I would be limited to whatever was on the airplane when it crashed so the question of what would I take becomes pointless... Oh wait... pointless, kinda like this whole post. Why are you reading this again? Don't you have better things to do? Yeah, neither do I.

I would take a surgeon, a crazy X Iraqi solider to kill the monsters, a con-man with a temper, a little british hobbit to play the guitar, Macy (she can fill the roles of obligatory hot girl with attitude with a gun who you dont piss off AND obligatory pregnant woman), no kids because duh I wouldn't take them on any plane flying over an island or it wouldn't be a vacation!, and I would be the comic relief... Duh... ;)

Well, until my magic vacation, here is to day dreaming...

Im a music whore...

2008-09-28T20:15:00.000-07:00

I have made myself a promise that at the LEAST every Monday I will start writing a new blog post. It might not be posted until Tuesday... maybe Wednesday if I need to look up some words??? Anyway...

I am a music whore.

Not that kind of music whore!

Maybe whore is a little strong but I think the word whore is under-used (by anyone who doesn't lay maternal claim to me). Maybe music slut is more like it. Lets see if there is a difference.

A music-whore has no discrimination, they will listen to anything even if they dislike it.
A music-slut actually has SOME limits and will not listen to things like NKOTB (New Kids on the Block) "Popsicle"
"Youre my popsicle, from the very first time I met you girl you captured me,
OooooOOoo, youre my popsicle, all I know girl is you make me feel so fancy free!"
All I know is if you are in a band with 4 other guys and your lyrics contain the words fancy free "You're a big ho-mo!"

Ah 1986 Donnie Wahlberg , so young, so many things I need to warn you about... You have no idea you're going to end up naked and crying in Bruce Willis's bathroom with a gun. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sixth_Sense#Cast

Back on topic! A music slut is someone who when they were 17 years old would keep the Spice World soundtrack in their CD case just to put on when they are on a date and wanted to "impress" a girl with their musical range. (Don't you judge me, "Move-Over" (AKA: Generation X from the Pepsi adds) sounds AWESOME on two 15" sub woofers! Track 5 I believe)
Guilty....

Funny I should bring up NKOTB, because thats what sparked this thought. Saturday night I was in the car and the new NKOTB song Summer Time was on and I didnt change it! Which can only mean I am either a music slut or music whore in training. The line is subtle and blurred at this point.

I use to have strong rock'n'roll convictions with hard and fast guidelines of what was unacceptable and with the exception of SpiceWorld that line was not to be crossed. That was until I met Macy and started listening to Elton John and REO Speedwagon. Once you cross that line you might as well sell out totally, there is no redemption in music.

With that said, just like my 17 year old dating life, don't judge me by the past, judge me based on what I would take to a deserted isle with me.

What I would take to a deserted isle:
My wife, a bikini (her's not mine.. eh what the hey.)

Alice In Chains MTV Un-Plugged Live (possibly the best CD ever)

Gun's and Roses Appetite for Destruction

Dave Matthews Live at the Gorge

Metallica S&M

On second thought, leave the bikini at home, it is a deserted island after all!

Oh and the island is going to be kinda like the island on Lost, there is a mysterious constant 110volt power supply to run the 10,000 watt stereo system Im bringing.

David Blaine is a freak.... nuff said? No.

2008-09-23T13:17:00.000-07:00

David Blaine is the most amazing magician ever!
Wait what? I thought you said David Copperfield. Who is David Blaine again???

I dont know if any of you really know who David Blaine is, you hopefully have never heard of him, if you have, Im sorry... Well if you have heard of him, you probably think he's a "Magician" of some kind... You would be wrong. Dead wrong my friend.

David Blaine was a magician at some point... Like in the 5th grade when he tried to make a bird fly out of his pocket but forgot to not sit down on the bus... sad :(
Now he just goes around doing stupid stunts that make no sense... Less than no sense. They make so little sense that people get really confused about what they just saw and then them give him millions of dollars!

"Oh you climbed in side a safe... ok... he's going to come jumping out of the crowd? No? He will escape using his mind! No.... Ok... What? You have a radio and you guessed what card you just pulled out of a deck in side the safe... in the dark... Oh... Ok... Umm, Can I go now?"

Here is David Blaine living inside of a giant ball of water for some reason...

"Look Im a mermaid...man..."

And here he is hanging up-side
down behind Donald Trump....

David: "Look Im a Vampire!"
Trump: "No David, you are the
best Vampire anywhere in the world!"

Ya know, if he was really cool he could do it without the hose for oxygen and the divers mask. Lame....

Wow for some reason Im oddly compelled to give him money... Like this one time my friend Jeff's younger brother John, who was mentally handicapped (kinda like David Blaine), was wearing a tinfoil top-hat and put a blanket over their dog and as it ran away he went "Ta-da guyz!" and I gave him a $ dollar... He was so happy he skipped off smiling. It's kinda like that... I want to give David Blaine a dollar. No wonder he's a millionare.

"He's the best darn hanger upside-downer I ever saw!"

His talent seems to be hanging up side down because he does it alot. In fact his most recent "stunt" is going to be hanging upside down for 3 days straight! Oh wait, not straight straight, he will sit up once an hour to let the blood rush away from his head before it pools and causes a stroke.... So thats less cool... Come on David, if you were really cool you'd hang upside down the whole time and prove you're really awesome and go down in freakin history in a blaze of glory! Hang upside down and think about it David.

Are you not magically impressed yet?
Ok, here is more of David hanging upside down.

McCain tried to stop the Freddie Fannie failure! (May 2006)

2008-09-17T14:26:00.000-07:00

HOLY CRAP, PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ THIS STUFF!!!
Due to many emails I got today, I am adding clarification about my post.
My additions will be indicate in red throughout the post.

(Copyright Business Week 2008)
McCain and Bush tried to save Freddie and Fannie pre 2008???

I have an announcement to make, in case you didn't already know...
I am a conservative. I believe in morals and values and a power limited government of the people for the people, not a powerful government of power hungry people who will decide what is good for people and business they know nothing about. That's called Liberal Socialism.

Thomas Jefferson once commented on socialism "A government powerful enough to give you everything you WANT, is powerful enough to take everything you have."

If you are liberal that's cool, Save the trees (even though there are more acres of forest in the U.S. today than in 1928)! Because I'm conservative doesn't mean I want to see animals die (unless it's a tasty one and I get to eat it...) I grew up in mountains and have spent many days picking up other peoples trash (without being court ordered!)
The great thing about this country is multiple view points generally makes for a better place to live. I would hope everyone is open minded enough to hear me out on something. This isn't anti Obama, its Pro McCain and if you read it you cannot help but scratch your head now and probably in 8 years (which is the typical economic cycle) wondering what might have happened with the U.S. economy had John McCain Federal Housing Enterprise Regulatory Reform Act of 2005 not been killed by Congress.

What is a Federal Housing Enterprise Regulatory Reform Act of 2005 you ask?
Great question! Well with Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae now basically being owned and ran entirely by the government, our economy and tax paying money may be in big trouble. Freddie and Fannie are now social government programs, not free private capital organisations (See Capital vs. Social Government there? Remember high school government classes?)

Whoever you are leaning toward voting for is cool but you should know this. This speaks to John McCain's foresight and ability to plan when action is needed long before the crisis strikes. John McCain obviously understands enough of business and economics that in 2005 he saw the failure of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae coming and tried to stop it by co-sponsoring the Federal Housing Enterprise Regulatory Reform Act of 2005. That is the kind of action planning and response you can expect from a 26 year Senate vet.

John McCain May 25, 2006 addressing the U.S. Senate
“I join as a cosponsor of the Federal Housing Enterprise Regulatory Reform Act of 2005, S. 190, S.1100, to underscore my support for quick passage of GSE (Government Sponsored Enterprise) regulatory reform legislation. If Congress does not act, American taxpayers will continue to be exposed to the enormous risk that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac pose to the housing market, the overall financial system, and the economy as a whole.I urge my colleagues to support swift action on this GSE reform legislation.”

The Congress Committee of Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs killed the Act claiming that Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae were under no financial stress and the housing economy was in no trouble.

How? Well since this was a proposed ACT and not a bill, it would have taken the action of 2/3 of the Committee to decide if it would go to the floor as a BILL for debate and vote. The prodominantly democratic 2006 Financial Services Committee chose to not let the ACT go to progress the ACT to a BILL and let the house vote and THAT is where I place the blame.

"These two entities Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are not facing any kind of financial crisis," said Representative Barney Frank of Massachusetts, the ranking Democrat on the Financial Services Committee.

When asked Tuesday (Sep 16th 2008) if Democrats had any responsibility for the current economic crisis gripping the United States, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi had just one word to say: "No." Maybe she isn't familiar with her own voting record as she helped kill McCain's Act in 2005 never allowing it to pass and go to Vote of Congress. Everyone who did not allow the Act to pass for a Vote has an equal share in the failure and economic turmoil first and foremost the House Speaker. Oh that's Nancy Pelosi? Hmmm, so it is.

The California Democrat Pelosi said that the current problems with the economy stem from President Bush's "mismanagement" and a lack of regulation.
"I think the American people have had it with this situation where the middle-income people in our country are not protected from the ramifications of the risk-taking and the greed of these financial institutions," Pelosi told MSNBC.

And yet I recall.... Spetember 11, 2003
"The Bush administration today recommended the most significant regulatory overhaul in the housing finance industry since the savings and loan crisis a decade ago. Under the Bush plan, disclosed at a Congressional hearing today, a new agency would be created within the Treasury Department to assume supervision of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the government-sponsored companies that are the two largest players in the mortgage lending industry."
Article: New Agency Proposed to Oversee Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, By Stephen Labaton

I know, that sounds like what I spoke against? More Government Control. Well I dont think tax payer money should have ever been going to Freddie and Fannie in the first place, but hey... Being that the government has been dumping billions and billions of dollars (maybe trillions) into Freddie and Fannie over the many years, I believe the government should have had full audit and accounting access to the operations of Freddie and Fannie. I may not agree with pumping that money into them but if you are you better know what that tax payer money is going for. I think that should have been done without giving the government executive control, but allowing congress to determine if those tax payer funds were being used wisely. Obviously none of that was the case.

Did I mention John McCain and the BUSH ADMINISTRATION both tried to save Freddie and Fannie???? Cause they did.

Sources:
http://www.govtrack.us/congress/record.xpd?id=109-s20060525-16&bill=s109-190
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2084256/posts
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=ea8_1221606601

Nothin but love and truth,
Brent

Country Music / Red-Neck Music

2008-09-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

No more country-red-neck music... Please.

Seriously, I can't take it. Now Im pretty musically rounded, I love the 2nd Golden Age of Country and all the good songs it gave birth to, so I think I can talk about this without being labeled a country hater. Country music use to be about messages, now its about being proud to be on welfare and having 12 huntin dogs etc.... Billy freakin Ray Cyrus is to blame for the steaming pile of country music we have today, what with his Achy Breaky Heart CRAP! And now he's capitalizing on his daughter who is punishing the earth again but thats another blog.

There is a difference between country music (1985-1995) and what we have today... At some point hill-billies took on the proud title of Red-Neck's and decided to celebrate, rather than be shamed by, their white-trashiness. I really dont understand it. I guess it's like you are born with a tail and you can either try to hide it, but everyone kinda knows you have it hidden and so you stop being ashamed at some point you just put it out there and say "Yeah I got a tail, make fun of it and Im gonna beat you with it!"

1994-ish started a string of horrible, horrible, horrible country music and its been a falling building since then.... You disagree?
Shenia Twain! Need more? Faith Hill, Gretchen Wilson (is a 12 toed HILLBILLY!), The Dixie "Chix"... (36 toes there) still need more? LeeAnn Rimes, Rascal Flats, Trace Adkins, Jessica Simpson, JESSICA SIMPSON... Now there's punishment and yet again a blog on it's own!

No more Montgomery Keith Michael Paisley McGraw's!

And now a DEEP THOUGHT
Why do country singers and presidential assassins have three names and come from the south?
Does one beget the other?

RED NECK YACHT CLUB YALL

No more songs about red-neck yacht clubs, trailer parks, huntin opossum, how proud ya'll are to have RED-NECK'S. It's writhe with unjustified, unfounded hill-billy elitist pretension which is an oxymoron that would make Stephen Hawkins head explode.

IT DONT GET NO CLASSIER THAN A RED-NECK SHE DEVIL?

Remember when Reba and Linda Davis sang "Does he love you like he loves me", where Reba was the wife he finds out he husband is cheating on her and so she talks to the other woman and pleads with her to leave him alone.
Ok now fast forward to Carrie Underwood... Where her man cheats and then she DESTROYS his Dodge Ram! THAT IS JUST NOT RIGHT!
Where is the man's song for the cheatin' woman? "I found out about him and I put your Prada bag in the toilet." What a double standard.
Speaking of Reba when was the last time you listened to her song "Fancy" in which her mom pimps her out to a southern aristocrat and she never looks back but hears that her mom died and her baby brother was taken by the state. Good times. Bless you country music for telling the stories of the red-necks of our country.

Now I will give it to Garth Brooks who did get some revenge on cheating wives with his song "Papa Loved Mama.... To death, with a truck!"

And I quote "Well it was bound to happen and one night it did
Papa came home and it was just us kids
He had a dozen roses and a bottle of wine
If he was lookin' to surprise us he was doin' fine
Well the picture in the paper showed the scene real well
Papa's rig was buried in the local motel
The desk clerk said he saw it all real clear
He never hit the brakes and he was shifting gears
Mama was a looker
Lord, how she shined
Papa was a good'n
But the jealous kind
Papa loved Mama
Mama loved men
Mama's in the graveyard
Papa's in the pen"

And I rest my case...

(Copyright Fox Entertainment / Fox Broadcasting 1989-2008)

What a sweet family memory. All the kids sittin around...
Garth: "Hey yall remember the time Papa caught mama cheatin on him?"
BillyRay: "Oh yeah man, it was bound to happen and one night it did!"
Earl: "It sure did!" (Insert red-neck laughter)

Jerry Springer's Final Thought
Why is it British people can sing without an accent but anyone in country music has a backwoods accent? ESPECIALLY KEITH URBAN WHO IS FROM AUSTRALIA!
Please country music, no more. Yall are the reason Muslims want us dead, the reason FRANCE mocks us... I mean come on, without Red-Necks who is France to mock anyone?????

Thanks alot Red-Necks.
Love,
The rest of us

Are you ready for some Monday Night Antiques Roadshow?!

2008-09-08T09:29:00.000-07:00

Thats right! Tis the season for some new Antiques Roadshow! Believe me, with Harold Allbright no longer quarter backing Clock Appraisal Corner after being traded to Antique Abbey UK, this is going to be an interesting season!

Have I mentioned I dont give a CRAP about "sports"? No seriously.

Ok wait, I do love Figure Skating but thats more of an art/sport.

I pretty much loathe fall because suddenly all the guys I know cant have a conversation that isnt somehow related to football, college or NFL... Can we shut up about the football already?

"Yeah you guys are pregnant again? Boy I tell you who can probably get a woman pregnant and that's Tom Brady! He's looking GREAT this season!" Don't read too much into the homoism of such statements, I try not to... Like today when Bill said Bret Favre was looking GOOD yesterday and I heard earlier today that Favre didn't even play......... (I hate that I know that!)

For the next what 6 months??? all I will hear is guys trash talking and picking fights over players and teams and coaches claiming they know what they are talking about and making up things about players and offenses etc... so they sound 'cool'.

You are all just struggling to find an outlet of association to belong just like in highschool. You don't really care who you align yourself with as long as they are winning and there are other people who are trying to be cool guys you can hang out with and you can shove it in someone elses face when you win because Friday they were talking crap, and then you will get mad when they do the same thing to you next week!

Right along with this goes my problem with fantasy football......... Really guys? You made fun of people in highschool who played Dungeons and Dragons (yeah thats me) but you are apart of a "FANTASY Football League".... wow... grown men pretending they are football managers who can draft their dream teams and then fight and trash talk over who's teams can beat who... Riiight... Oh even better they have actual parties for their 'draft' which can take like 10 hours! Sounding more like Dungeons and Dragons all the time! Yeah who's the nerd now?

My next biggest problem is: By the masses worshiping these muscle brained kill machines, you only increase their multi million dollar salaries! Im sorry but if Im going to pay like $200 a seat to go see some guy who's getting paid $18,000,000 a year... It better be because his amazing talent is EATING THE DEFENSIVE LINE! Literally consuming and digesting them on the field!
There is NOTHING these oversized yahoo's do that is worth $10-$15-$20,000,000!!!!!!! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here.

Just remember the next time you get mad when I say the only thing Tony Dungee is good at is coaching Payton Manning at, is how to choke....
Coach: Now just eat this trout whole, dont worry about the bones, now go out on that field and choke son!

I just found out which one of them is the QB and which one is in fact the coach!
2 years ago I thought this Manning guy was the Colts mascot, the horses rear end...

HA! See I know nothing about sports and Im trashing talking like the big boys!

Twilight...(shakes head)

2008-09-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

Shockingly, up until this point I have abstained from any blog that might even have the word TWILIGHT anywhere in it…

I say shockingly because my wife, women-in-laws and female friends are all sucked into it this modern fantasy Vampire Romance Novel series (or VRN's as I will call them) and the very premise of this book series on it's own is enough blog fodder to make my head explode. Well if you are one of such women (or gay men I suppose) then you will either love this little grain of salt or never speak to me again, either way, mission objective: complete.

If you don’t know what Twilight is, you are a lucky one. It is the love story of two 17 year olds in highschool… only she’s 17 and he’s really a 100 year old vampire pedophile who doesn't age.
Oh but he is the perfect man this Edward! Edward is so sweet, he controls his lust urges to suck her blood and have sex with her! Every night Edward just sneaks in and they lay in bed together (did I mention the author is Mormon?) and because he doesn’t need sleep he just watches her all night.
Isn’t that ROMANTIC??? Did I say romantic? I meant CREEPY AS HELL!
I’ve been chased down the street by angry father’s during slumber parties for FAR less.
Seriously my wife would be contacting a covert support group if she woke up at 3am and I just watching her.

Wait I have a point... Oh yeah! My wife recently self deprecated (do not confuse with self defecated... although in this case the line is fine), she fully admits she is a nerd or whatever for being into the Twilight series, when she came across a web-site of Twilight Followers (VRNR's or Vampire Romance Novel Readers) in which forums are created to talk about the book and post pictures you have painted about the character (likt that one up there) or stories you have written about them where Edward chooses YOU over Bella... I know, calm down!

In one particular forum "grown women" talked about what this fictional 100+ year old character, Edward, would have worn in different fashion era's and went as far as to say that there should be an Edward doll you can dress up. They went on and on about how delightful it would be to have your own little sexy, hard bodied Edward you can dress and undress............. I can't believe I just typed those words...

Ladies? SERIOUSLY? Are you REALLY going to revert/retard/reduce to playing with Vampire Barbies? Oh not that any of YOU would ever consider that, except that you TOTALLY just thought about it and or have done it!!!

If you would like to avoid divorce I would highly recommend dropping the Edward doll's into the trash along with your notebooks where you repeatedly wrote "Mrs Edward Cullen" 4 billion times and rejoin the adults.

LOVE YA!

Olympic Commentatoring

2008-08-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

We've been watching lots of Olympic's, especially gymnastics and I have come to the conclusion that I need to be an Olympic commentatorer... That's right...

This is the JOB! Sit around and pretend you know what you're talking about while making the worlds most obvious observations.

"Well uh Bob, the Chinese are currently in first place, so what that means for this next person is they will have to do EVEN BETTER... Even a fraction of a point better will win her the gold! Even .001 better and shes got it. Now how she does that is she goes out there and tries to not make any mistakes so the judges will give HER a better score than whoever is currently in first place... It's a complicated scoring system so let me see if I can explain to you morons at home. See if someone has the highest score they are "FIRST PLACE" ... that means they are better than everyone... Now if YOU score better than first place, then YOU get first place and they get second place, so YOU are now better than everyone! And... how you do THAT is you go out there and you out-score whoever is in first... by getting more points than them... with points... or tenths of points would do... See if they have 15.50 points you could win with 15.60 or even 15.51! See if she gets a tenth higher.... SHE WINS! It's great! I love math!"

Nuff'said??? No, not yet.

There is another part to it, point out things that just happened in an over obvious way that make people yell at their TV for you to shut up.

Situation - Gymnast falls off beam and splits head open - GO!
"Oh, that hurts! And I don't mean physically... That's going to cost him some points and probably the gold medal. That is not what you want to do at this point in the competition.""No it is not Tim."

I'll have the bowl of cuteness for breakthest.

2008-08-07T09:47:00.001-07:00

As you may know, Vivian is the cutest thing since I dont know what.

Last night I was carrying some stuff up to the guest room and Vivian cracked the door and goes "Stacey???" Then yanked the door opend and says "She went home!" and shrugged her shoulders. Obviously thats the room Stacey, Chris and Michael stayed in a few weeks ago.

So this morning her rein of cuteness continues.

I usually get out of bed and have about 10 minutes to get ready and get out the door.
This week Im late shift but Im waking up about the same time, so I have like an hour and 10 minutes to get ready, re-burn my lost One Hot Minute CD... Im fixing my hair when a little voice says "Good morning Daddy!"
"Good morning Vivy."
"Ummm... Daddy, do you want to have breakthest with me?" Awww! How freakin cute is that?!
"Sure!" Now usually I maybe have time to pour some cereal in a bowl, hand it to her infront of the TV and run out the door! So this is awesome!
"Ok!" She runs into the dinning room and gets up to the table. Now if you recall 5 seconds ago when I said shes usually infront of the TV when I hand her cereal... She never eats at the table, as far as I know anyway!
So we had our cereal at the table while she told me about playing with Sydney and a story about a frog and stuff.

Oh, AND Vivian likes to listen to her cereal make noises... She busted out one day and said "Listen, it goes Snacker-Pop!" Yes, SNACKER-POP... Kinda like Snap Crackle Pop only not copyrighted. So she's not only cute she is concerned with legal issues like copyright laws!

Mr. Dirty-hands Fry-man

2008-07-30T06:51:00.000-07:00

Those of you know me, why else would you read this, know that I LOVE public confrontations! ESP in a place of business. I also hate people who don't wash their hands or fake wash their hands (water only) right in front of you.

There I am going pee in Wendy's by my office when a Wendy's employee comes into the bathroom and goes into the stall to pee. I wash my hands, dry them and exit as I hear a flush. I get about 3 seconds out of the bathroom and guess who comes out of the bathroom! I'm in gross shock at this point but I think "Ok maybe he's going on break and he will wash after he smokes ones..."WRONG! He not only went behind the counter he started handling fries! So what do I do? "Excuse me, I would like to see your manager.""Um Larry, this guy wants you!... I don't know he wants a manager!"Larry the manager comes to the counter and about 5 employees are eyes glued! Including Mr. Dirty Hands Fry-man."Yeah that guy right there working the fries with the mustache, he was just in the bathroom at the same time I was and he left without washing his hands."

The room fell SILENT!

About 6 people were standing at the counter waiting for their food, plus 10 people sitting close enough to hear this, plus the onlooking employees, INCLUDING Mr. Dirty Hands Fry-man.Now Mr. Dirty Hands Fry-man had this look on his face that can only be explained as a look that said "YOU SON OF A !!!" Without actually saying a word. Fearing he might come over the counter or throw something at my head I bid them farewell. "I'll just go to Burger King." I watched over my shoulder the whole way and I am pleased to say that I saw a couple of familiar faces at Burger King a few minutes later.

Chalk one up for customers!

I Hate Barney.... and Friends....

2008-07-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

Ok Im going to start off by saying I WILL offend SOMEONE... I will start by making light of people with Suicidal Tendencies (good band BTW! I have a jersey autographed by Psycho Miko)So there I was holding my sick 3 year old on the couch letting her run the remote when she stops on Barney... so I let her... Usually I object to this kind of trash, I either turn it or leave and do something else while they indoctrinate my children. So about 20 minutes into the show I am considering suicide only how do you kill yourself with a remote control? Jam it into your temple? Throat???

Anyway here are my problems with Barney... Also known as Homo-pedaphila-saurus...

A man in a giant purple dinosaur suit plays with kids in a park??? CHILD MOLESTOR! I imagine hell is actually just you have to hear that freaking retard's gay stupid voice and constant laugh everywhere you go, while you sleep, eat etc.... I HATE HIM! And Baby Bop??? Equally creepy 80 year old woman pretending to be like 3 years old... We call that an accomplice to child seduction!

Why is it prerequisite that the children on this show be the homeliest kids from misfit island? I know, I know, its like horrible to say a child is ugly, esp if they are handicapped, but I swear some of these kids must have 6 toes on each foot which they stare at cross eyed and drooling on constantly. Their parents must be the writing and song writing staff!

My other problem. I kid you not after chewing my arm off so I could escape to do laundry I heard them use the word TACTILE!!! (Which is an adjective of the sense of touch)... At one point Baby freakin Bop and her brother are figthing over sorting a bunch of colored shapes into groups of colors, or shapes... And what PISSED ME OFF is Barney came in and rather than saying "Let's sort them into groups of shapes by color!" he says "HEHE Its ok, everyone can love shapes AND colors! HEHE HOOHOO!" And then he skipped all the way to down the yellow brick road holding a rainbow flag with his boyfriend.

Ahhhh! The comfort of taking a crap!

2008-07-07T11:31:00.001-07:00

Dropping some friends off at the pool... Taking a dump... Leaving a dump... Dumping in general? Why not do it in the $50,000 lavish comforts of a custom formed toilet seat with a warmer, an LCD TV with XBox 360, a laptop with 10MB wireless uplink, a fridge, and Easy Button, a port for your i-Pod, a beer tap and a bunch of other expensive crap no one needs in the bathroom. Oh and a mega phone so you can scream at your mom with 120db that you're out of toilet paper.

You might have heard recently about the lady who spent 2 years on her boy friends toilet, no she wasn't reading the Bible in its original Hebrew.
Recently you may have heard me rant about how over the last few months I have yet to be in a public bathroom where someone WASNT texting on their phone! (It really pisses me off because now I cant use ANYONE'S cell phone, ever! No one can be trusted!)
"Oh man! Your car rolled like 20 times. Here use my cell phone to call your wife."
"No that's ok."
"Seriously dude, I don't think you're going to live you should call her and tell her good bye."
"No, I'm good."
"You have about 2 minutes to live man!"
"No thanks."

Why does anyone need to be in the bathroom long enough to do anything other than focus on the task at hand! I'm even against reading in the bathroom! How long does it take???

I like the Navy Seal approach, "Get in, Get done, Get out"
Although personally I'm more like the Air-Force.... SHOCK AND AWE BABY! Drop your arsenal and get far far away in a hurry!

Hells Kitchen - My favorite show you human trash!

2008-05-14T13:55:00.000-07:00

My favorite show on TV and my personal idol and wishful mentor is Chef Gordon Ramsay.

Not that I want to be a chef per-say, but this guy has demeaning people down to a science and they thank him for it! I LOVE IT!

If you havent ever seen this show let me tell you what is going on. Chef Gordon Ramsay gets like 20 wanna be chef's with varying experience and makes them compete in a high pressure kitchen to kick out fine dinning dishes for a dinning room full of people while he screams at them, demeans them as human beings beyond anything I've ever seen, and throws their food against the wall. This man has creative insulting down to a science! And if anyone stands up for them self they are berayted and fired on the spot!

So far some of my favorite comments from Chef Ramsay have been:

"You are an F'ing Donkey!" to which they replied "Yes Chef, thank you."

And who can forget...

"You are crap, on top of crap, on top of crap, on top of crap, on top of CRAP!" to which the reply came "Yes Chef."

Also when he makes them taste something they have made and asks them what they think of it and when they reply, it doesnt matter how they reply... He then throws it at the wall screaming that it tastes like crap!

I don't know what kind of anger a person has to tap into to come up with these things on the spot but I would like to enroll in a course. Chef Gordon Ramsay has the POWER!

My 5 Men's room rules!

2008-05-05T08:26:00.000-07:00

Rules of the men's room:

1: Unless you are my wife or my internal dialog DONT TALK TO ME IN THE BATHROOM! I dont care if we work in the same office, I dont want to talk about the Prudential contract, or what you found in your Moo-Goo-Gui-Pan, while Im dropping friends off at the pool!

2: Men (I assume this doesnt apply to women) DONT WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE ABOUT TO CRAP YOUR PANTS! Come on, at least once or twice a week Im going to the bathroom and someone kicks in the door, dives into the stall next to me uttering a prayer and then breath a huge sigh of relief that they made it.... WHY! Are we 3 year olds? Don't you know when you need to go potty???

3: No texting or video game playing in while on the tiolet! Seriously, Im tired of hearing people text in the stall. I dont care if Im dying on the side of the road, I am NEVER using someone elses cell phone! You MIGHT wash your hands but I KNOW you've never washed that nasty cell phone!

4: Pissing Contests:
WARNING... Im sure I dont even need to say read with care.
This contest, a real one, isnt what most people think, where you pee for distance. Oh no...

GUYS... you are NOT fooling ANYONE by straining as hard as you can, to pee louder than anyone else in the bathroom! Every guy has been in the bathroom with their friends and someone tried to pee louder than everyone else and then someone else isn't going to let someone else be louder and so on... Any guy who's been in Jr High knows the trick. You can hear the difference! We know you are trying tooo hard when you are light headed and trip over the trash can.

5: Fake Wash: Ok if you are going to fake washing your hands, just dont bother. I grow tired I watching people through the stall crack turn on the water, look around, even push the soap button to make noise, keep looking around, turn off the water, take a paper towel and throw it away, all in the name of faking!

A: You didnt fool anyone washing your hands in 7 seconds.
B: The paper towel right on top isnt even wet!
C: With the effort you went to you could have ACTUALLY washed them!
D: Just drop the lie and walk right out and I will respect you more.

Save the trees? SAVE YOUR BREATH!

2008-04-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying if you are a tree hugging save the animals kinda person... You wont like this rant!

As you may know, yesterday was EARTH DAY (Pfffff)... I saw a few commercials that PISSED ME OFF!!!

Now let me just say... I dont hate the earth... I hate these people who invent facts to terrorize people into thinking in 20 years our children will see pictures of trees and ask us what they are. I think we have a duty to keep the earth clean and the trash in designated places so animals dont live in our filth and the earth stays beautiful... With that said, lets cut down some trees! Why not, they are trees, they grow back!

Commercial 1
"If everyone would recycle just one news-paper a month we would "SAVE" 25,000,000 trees a year!"

(Insert record scratch sound)

Wait wait wait... first what are we SAVING these trees from??? Trees grow, they die or burn down and new trees grow in their place. By cutting them down every 10 years we are saving them from being strangled by some Japanese vine or beetle and then dying and decaying over the next 10 years! We are renuing forrest! Don't be fooled! Logging companies plant a tree for everyone they cut down or they would be out of business! There would be no point in them cutting down all the trees in a forrest and just leaving a wasteland!

Commercial 2
"If everyone would replace just one lightbulb with a flourescent light bulb it would be the equavilant of taking 4 million cars off the road...

Wait while I finish laughing!!!

Ok there are 140 Billion Americans between 18 and 100 which is 91 Billion household.
I put 15 gallons of gas in my car every Monday... Thats 780 gallons a year.
You are telling me that 91 Billion light bulbs produce the same polution as 780 MILLION GALLONS OF GAS!!!

Ok let's pretend this is true, then following their model...

10- 100watt light bulbs cost $18 a month ($216 a year) to run 6 hours a day... or $235 Trillion a year to light our country each year.
If the same number of people ran a home air conditioner the same hours a day but only for 5 months a year... thats $291 Trillion....

Why is no one worried about our home air conditioners???? They are 2,500 to 3,500watt so they are 300 times worse than a single 100 watt light bulb... which means thats like 400,000,000 cars? or 374 BILLION Gallons of gas!!!!

Which would mean if they found a way to make air conditioners use 20% less electricity then it would be like removing 80 Million cars from the road....

But thats only IF their basis for these calculation is correct and come on, can you trust math of people who think Pollar Bears are drowning because the polar cap is melting? POLAR BEARS ARE AMAZING SWIMMERS! They have been found in the ocean 20 miles from "land"! They are naturally buoyant and can float in water for litterally days with their fat and coat to insulate them!

HIPPY LOGIC IS FLAWED! Don't make up stuff! I am like that elf from the santa claus who's now on that NUMB3RS show on Fox, I'll rip you apart with my abacus fool.