President Augustus Addresses Nation

(I was just wondering what it would be like if I were president and had a primetime press conference like every week, with no warning, that messed up the TV schedule regardless of TIVO.)

"We now take you to Times New Roman for an important message from
President Augustus."

Thank you for attending my press conference this evening. I know this is last minute, but I really hate Ugly Betty. Without further delay, here are some crazy decrees I have. They will be carried out immediately. First, energy is no longer a problem. We are all going to walk everywhere from now on... Or maybe travel in those tubes like at the bank. Only bigger. Yes we have a question?

"Um yeah, thats not really your idea, that was on Futurama."

Umm.... Ok thats not a question, is it? Keep your hand down from now on or I will have it removed, and have you beaten soundly with it. It's my idea ok! I have scientists working on the traveling tubes as we speak!

Next: Crime and tax payer burden... Two words. South Dakota... Is it even really a state? I have never met anyone from there, so we're going to fence, surround it with a shark infested mote and lasers, then place all federal prisoners on the newly formed cut-throat island. Oh and all sex offenders will be labeled via tattoo on forehead and then air dropped to the island wearing dresses.

Next item, immigration. Easy enough. If you are coming into the country illegally, you are a terrorist, no questions asked. All border patrol will be armed with AK47's and are now fully authorized to shoot and kill anyone coming into the country illegally who is not wearing their passport around their neck. This goes double for Canada. Yes that means you will be shot, killed, revived, then shot and killed again.

Last, the economy: No more rich people and poor people.
From now on everyone is a CEO of a company and no one will work for anybody else, no one will ever get a bonus for anything or be special in anyway.
We are all now equals.
Wait... Hold on I need to think about that for a minute. I'll be back next week!

XOXO in 2032