FINALLY!
I have long searched for a blog name that reflects my true aura and personality.
At last the quest for self promoting importance has come to a close.
Ladies, and the three guys who read my blog, I give you my new blog!
http://brentalfloss.blogspot.com/
BrentalFloss is easier to remember than the spelling of my last name, and it has all of my past blog posts on it! The only thing it needs... YOU! Please update links from your blog or favorites, click on my new RSS feed link on the new blog, and DONT FORGET TO LEAVE COMMENTS!
The runners up were
BrentalLobotomy and BrentalAssault
Friday, June 19, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Obama pisses off gays
This week President Obama laid out his plans to give some benefits to gay couples.
(joke with-held)
Obama's promise to offer ancillary employee benefits - such as long-term-care insurance and the right to use sick leave to care for domestic partners - while still denying more valuable benefits, such as health insurance and retirement funds, may have further agitated gay activists who were already fuming over other perceived snubs.
In retaliation the gays have mis-matched President Obama's wardrobe and unrolled all of his shirt sleeves. Activist have been quoted as saying "Take that ya big meanie." and "We're gay, fabulos and pissed off mister!"
Further more gays have rallied around the white-house and demand President Obama defer to a fashion runway walk-off to decide the terms of gay healthcare, a traditional gay method of settling issues.
Gay leaders have issued a statement saying they "plan to stage a withholding of interior decorating and gym memberships to members of the White House and Senate and see how they like having their benefits from gay people cut off!"
(joke with-held)
Obama's promise to offer ancillary employee benefits - such as long-term-care insurance and the right to use sick leave to care for domestic partners - while still denying more valuable benefits, such as health insurance and retirement funds, may have further agitated gay activists who were already fuming over other perceived snubs.
In retaliation the gays have mis-matched President Obama's wardrobe and unrolled all of his shirt sleeves. Activist have been quoted as saying "Take that ya big meanie." and "We're gay, fabulos and pissed off mister!"
Further more gays have rallied around the white-house and demand President Obama defer to a fashion runway walk-off to decide the terms of gay healthcare, a traditional gay method of settling issues.
Gay leaders have issued a statement saying they "plan to stage a withholding of interior decorating and gym memberships to members of the White House and Senate and see how they like having their benefits from gay people cut off!"
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Colon Cleanse - funny crap
Cleanse your colon and loose 5lbs a day!!! Up to 50lbs in the first week!
Right. If you have explosive diarrhea for a week straight you will loose about 5lbs a day in water and malnutrition. Sounds about right.
Marketing Claim: Substantiated.
Detox your body and feel better instantly!
Um, no, no one could possibly feel better post colon cleansing. I once tried to get over a barbed wire fence and fell...The recovery time on something like that is like 3 weeks.
Even with perpetual diarrhea I dont see how you can possibly cleanse and keep a cleansed colon... I mean you do know WHAT it is your colon does right???
Marketing Claim: Flase!
Why are people so gulible and quick to jump at these rediculous schemes. My colon is just fine thank you, I could eat a moose and pass it just fine.
Im going to market my own unique brand of colon cleansing, only mine will work the first time, ever time, instantly, no eating 1 lbs of hay or downing a gallon of Ex-Lax.
(Copyright: Dumb and Dumber, NewLine Cinema1994)
Give the Colon Blaster a chance and you will see results in 5 seconds or less or your money back!
The Original Colon Cleanse!
AND NOW SUPER MEGA COLON CLEANSE BLASTER 5005!
With even more colon blasting power!
Right. If you have explosive diarrhea for a week straight you will loose about 5lbs a day in water and malnutrition. Sounds about right.
Marketing Claim: Substantiated.
Detox your body and feel better instantly!
Um, no, no one could possibly feel better post colon cleansing. I once tried to get over a barbed wire fence and fell...The recovery time on something like that is like 3 weeks.
Even with perpetual diarrhea I dont see how you can possibly cleanse and keep a cleansed colon... I mean you do know WHAT it is your colon does right???
Marketing Claim: Flase!
Why are people so gulible and quick to jump at these rediculous schemes. My colon is just fine thank you, I could eat a moose and pass it just fine.
Im going to market my own unique brand of colon cleansing, only mine will work the first time, ever time, instantly, no eating 1 lbs of hay or downing a gallon of Ex-Lax.
(Copyright: Dumb and Dumber, NewLine Cinema1994)
Give the Colon Blaster a chance and you will see results in 5 seconds or less or your money back!
The Original Colon Cleanse!
AND NOW SUPER MEGA COLON CLEANSE BLASTER 5005!
With even more colon blasting power!
Monday, June 8, 2009
"Special" Events: Cheerleaders sign crap...
Im cynical, but working on it. (not really... )
Im confused by "special events" like the Indianapolis Colt cheerleaders autograph signing party!
Im pretty sure its the cheerleaders doing the autographs because people would only show up to throw things at the Colts players.
Now I would imagine the only "people" (pervy GUYS) who show up to a cheerleader autograph party are blushing teenage boys, blushing frat boys, blushing men in mid-life crisis who wouldnt show up to get the autograph of the woman who found the cure for cancer, now would they? The teenage boys I will give a pass to, the rest are there to ogle cheerleaders and cannot be excused. Thus proving 90% of men are simply teenage boys who never grew up, just got beer bellies.
So my real issue here is fake "celebrities" ... You know the people who feel they are so cool and superior that regular people must worship them. There are two kinds of fake celebrity.
1: The kind who have autograph parties and then their signed crap ends up on Ebay for $4 and the shipping costs WAY more than the signed item is worth. The item was probably worth $10 before someone wrote on it with Sharpie so it can end up on a desk and people can ask "Who's that?"
"Who is THAT?! Thats Jenny Nordgren... 2nd string cheerleader for the Fort Wayne Explosion??? You know Indiana's only Semi-Pro Badminton team?! I waited in line for 2 days to get this $1 plastic mug signed."
2: The kind who refuse to sign autographs because they are far too cool and they only sign if they are getting paid. Jamie Presley (Earl's wife on My Name is Earl) is this kind of "celebrity". So is Karl Malone. I've got news for Jamie, now that Earl only has one season left... We have aprox 3 years before people are saying:
Ok technically three kinds... Because Cheerleaders get their own category.
Maybe 4 because red-neck celebs shouldn't be counted either, they are merely brief interuptions. Farts that you can't help but notice and are strangely impressed by for a moment, they just havent faded yet.
XOXO
"These chicks are TOTALLY signing my diaper!"
Im confused by "special events" like the Indianapolis Colt cheerleaders autograph signing party!
Im pretty sure its the cheerleaders doing the autographs because people would only show up to throw things at the Colts players.
Now I would imagine the only "people" (pervy GUYS) who show up to a cheerleader autograph party are blushing teenage boys, blushing frat boys, blushing men in mid-life crisis who wouldnt show up to get the autograph of the woman who found the cure for cancer, now would they? The teenage boys I will give a pass to, the rest are there to ogle cheerleaders and cannot be excused. Thus proving 90% of men are simply teenage boys who never grew up, just got beer bellies.
 | "Ummm so do you girls ummm ever like umm date fans?" "No." "Umm what about like the president of your fan club? If they knew all your favorite things, like your favorite take out places and brand of hair spray and what day you put your trash out n'stuff?" |
So my real issue here is fake "celebrities" ... You know the people who feel they are so cool and superior that regular people must worship them. There are two kinds of fake celebrity.
1: The kind who have autograph parties and then their signed crap ends up on Ebay for $4 and the shipping costs WAY more than the signed item is worth. The item was probably worth $10 before someone wrote on it with Sharpie so it can end up on a desk and people can ask "Who's that?"
"Who is THAT?! Thats Jenny Nordgren... 2nd string cheerleader for the Fort Wayne Explosion??? You know Indiana's only Semi-Pro Badminton team?! I waited in line for 2 days to get this $1 plastic mug signed."
2: The kind who refuse to sign autographs because they are far too cool and they only sign if they are getting paid. Jamie Presley (Earl's wife on My Name is Earl) is this kind of "celebrity". So is Karl Malone. I've got news for Jamie, now that Earl only has one season left... We have aprox 3 years before people are saying:
 (You can take the girl out the trailer park... but you caint take the trailer park outta her) | "Do you remember that super white trash girl from that show Earl? Sure you do, the blonde. She got out of a limo with no pants on in LA this weekend. Yeah, she drove the limo drunk and hit some paparazzi who were trying to get a picture of Paris Hilton buying bananas at a fresh market, but she claims she was drinking water because shes out of rehab and doesnt party, she just hangs out in clubs because they are a fun environment for people who are sober. Then rode a horse in a club, fell off the horse and shot at a rival gang-member then went to an all night salon and shaved her head. Man I wish I could remember her name!" "Why?" "She owes me money." |
Ok technically three kinds... Because Cheerleaders get their own category.
Maybe 4 because red-neck celebs shouldn't be counted either, they are merely brief interuptions. Farts that you can't help but notice and are strangely impressed by for a moment, they just havent faded yet.
XOXO
"These chicks are TOTALLY signing my diaper!"
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Cottage Cheese goes bad... very, very bad...
Im about to go OLDSCHOOL BRENT'S BLOG rant on yall. From back in the day when it was called "Brent's Blog" and you'd say "Hey did you read Brent's Blog?" or "I just won the super bowl, I'm going to read Brent's Blog about how stupid football is!"
And Here we go:
You know that expiration date on cottage cheese? They aren't kidding! Thats not a recommendation, its for reals.
12:30 am this morning: Brent goes to the kitchen in search of something to satisfy his growling tummy (yes I said tummy). After exhausting the cupboards and counters he turns to his old friend, the fridge. The old friend fails him. (Just like how all of my real old friends have failed me by their disassociation and lack of effort to keep up a relationship but thats another blog, isn't it you jerks who probably arent even reading this.)
But wait... there in the back, what's this? Cottage Cheese! (I tried that in a white font, it didn't work) Yes cottage cheese, that sounds good! Oh and its unopened. Without further consideration I eat a good sized portion and returns it to the fridge. Sleep ensues.
4am... Not feeling so good, but no need to go to the bathroom.
6am... a little worse but still no trip to the bathroom.
7:45am as I parked my car and prepared to make the mile trek into the office (Free Parking does not = a bunch of money in real life) it dawns on me. There is no way Im making it to the office without stopping in the bushes by the Law Offices of Barret and McNanaganahmm... And I dont think they would find the humor in the situation if I had too. Better not park, hit that road and hurry!
Ya know the term "I ran into the gas station" ???
Don't actually RUN into a gas station unless you WANT them to think you are going to rob them. I think he thought I had a gun because he almost hit the deck, but no time to say sorry! I don know what he said after I came out of the bathroom but he was pointing and laughing and shaking his head as if to say "Man you got me good!" or maybe "We have a clearance special on organic yogurt. Must be sold within the hour."
XOXO
Would go home early but Im not sentencing myself to an hour drive in a car
And Here we go:
You know that expiration date on cottage cheese? They aren't kidding! Thats not a recommendation, its for reals.
12:30 am this morning: Brent goes to the kitchen in search of something to satisfy his growling tummy (yes I said tummy). After exhausting the cupboards and counters he turns to his old friend, the fridge. The old friend fails him. (Just like how all of my real old friends have failed me by their disassociation and lack of effort to keep up a relationship but thats another blog, isn't it you jerks who probably arent even reading this.)
But wait... there in the back, what's this? Cottage Cheese! (I tried that in a white font, it didn't work) Yes cottage cheese, that sounds good! Oh and its unopened. Without further consideration I eat a good sized portion and returns it to the fridge. Sleep ensues.
4am... Not feeling so good, but no need to go to the bathroom.
6am... a little worse but still no trip to the bathroom.
7:45am as I parked my car and prepared to make the mile trek into the office (Free Parking does not = a bunch of money in real life) it dawns on me. There is no way Im making it to the office without stopping in the bushes by the Law Offices of Barret and McNanaganahmm... And I dont think they would find the humor in the situation if I had too. Better not park, hit that road and hurry!
Ya know the term "I ran into the gas station" ???
Don't actually RUN into a gas station unless you WANT them to think you are going to rob them. I think he thought I had a gun because he almost hit the deck, but no time to say sorry! I don know what he said after I came out of the bathroom but he was pointing and laughing and shaking his head as if to say "Man you got me good!" or maybe "We have a clearance special on organic yogurt. Must be sold within the hour."
XOXO
Would go home early but Im not sentencing myself to an hour drive in a car
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